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16.6.19

That Girl

I won't be her.
Not anymore.
The girl who is there whenever you need her. 
Whenever you are bored and want attention.

You scroll through your contacts.
"Who will reply?"
"Who is guaranteed to be there, temporarily, until I find someone better, or get the attention I want?"

It's her.
Me.
I'm her.

And you know, that 99.9% of the time I will reply.
Because as someone once said, I am "too nice"
And maybe I am a little more vulnerable than I thought. And a little more naive because in that moment I think "maybe they do like me?" "maybe they've decided I'm worth more than just being there when they are bored".

I know the game. I know the words that are used.
I think I am clever and that I won't fall for it....again...but soon enough, there I am.
Again.
Wondering why I not only let someone in again, why I thought that just a conversation with someone actually meant they wondered how I was. How the conversation of "we should go for a drink/watch something together" was genuine and a real invitation and not just an "in the moment" thing.

I won't be her anymore.
I can't do it to myself.
I won't chase anyone for their attention anymore.
I will continue with my rule of not saving numbers or deleting numbers to protect myself from being that girl who is just good enough for an ego boost and nothing else.

I won't be her.
I won't be that girl.


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