I'm Failing My Children

I'm failing my children.
Not in every area, there are some things I do right but there are other things that I am doing wrong.

I almost took Harry to the doctor last week about his behaviour. When it came to it I couldn't go, simply because I couldn't sit there and say that sometimes his tantrums and melt downs aren't because of me. Because they are.
I am not the best mum I can be. I am lazy and I get snappy too easy. And I fail at not putting them first often enough.

Harry is off school ill today. It resulted in me having a panic attack and having spent the rest of the morning exhausted and wanting to curl up and cry because I felt like such a failure.
A failure because I was letting work down.
I was snappy with both boys this morning. Mean. And questioned Harry's feeling poorly even though it was clear that he had a slight temperature and couldn't swallow easily because of a sore throat.
I didn't put him first. I was putting work first. Putting letting them down first. And as a result fell out with my children and sat on the sofa in tears, struggling to breathe, being comforted by a 7 year old and 5 year old.

That's not right.
My children should not need to comfort me.
I shouldn't have to apologise to them for failing them. For not putting them first.
Instead of helping Charles get ready for school and making sure Harry was ok I frantically tried to work out a way around the work issue. A voice in my head was telling me to calm down. To focus on my family and not on something where there should be a process in place in case I am ill or unable to get to work for whatever reason.

These two children who rely on me. Who I have to keep alive and well were not my priority and I feel ashamed of that.
I did the school run with sunglasses on to hide my puffy eyes and tears.
We got back to the car. Harry sat in the front, promising to lay on my back when we got home and to help me breathe. Telling me we would count to 10, just as we did a week ago when again he helped count me down during a panic attack.

I filled with anger, at myself.
Why is my 5 year old promising to look after me? Why is he the one comforting me and taking charge when I am the parent?
I am the one who should be doing that for him.

And the feeling of failure came in strong. And I realised that again, as usual, my priorities were wrong.
I'd told Charles, as we walked into school, to stop snapping at me and talking to me without respect, but thinking about it, he is simply mirroring how I am talking to him.
How Harry's short fuse can simply be down to me. How I take the smallest thing out on them.
How I let everything else take over and overshadow any time with them.

They tell me I'm the best mummy, but I am far from it.
I am failing my children.


Celebrity Tattoo’s Gone Wrong


We have all heard about them. Those celebrities that get a certain someone’s name or a Latin phrase tattooed onto their body only to want it removed a week later.

It might be because it is misspelled, doesn’t exactly mean what they thought it meant or even a name of an ex-lover that they would rather not have to see every day.

Here The Laser Treatment Clinic have put together some of the worst celebrity tattoos so that you know you aren’t alone if your tattoo hasn’t gone as well as it was meant to:

Drake and the Aftershave Bottle

Just this month Drake announced that he had a new tattoo to debut to the world along with his new album. It wasn’t a naked lady, song lyrics, a symbolic picture or anything like that. Instead Drake opted for his favourite aftershave to be the muse to his latest tattoo.

He might not be regretting it yet but if he did at least there is a course of laser treatment that can remove his tattoo leaving him without his declared love for aftershave.

Clinics such as The Laser Treatment Clinic in London are experts when it comes to removing unwanted tattoos after a course of laser removal treatment. This will leave you tattoo less with healthy and clear skin.

Mike Tyson’s Facial Tattoo

This one is pretty hard to miss especially because Mike Tyson turned up one day with not only a facial tattoo but a dark coloured, tribal facial tattoo which stretched from his jaw cheek to his brow bone.

With many wondering if he had realised he had a tattoo on his face or just woke up one day and not bothered to look in the mirror this celebrity tattoo was one of the most monumental.

Jude Law And Sexy Sadie

Jude Law had a famous Beatles quote tattooed on his forearm in dedication to his ex-wife Sadie Frost. The tattoo used the quote, “You came along to turn on everyone, sexy Sadie”.

It would have been a lovely tribute to his wife until the mucky divorce left them less than friends. They separated in 2007 and after just 70 days they were divorced leaving only a scandalous autobiography from Sadie and an unwanted tattoo on Jude’s arm.

With the help of laser tattoo removal treatments, Jude had the tattoo removed just in time for the couple to be back on speaking terms almost 10 years after the divorce.

Victoria Beckham Rumoured Tattoo Removal

It has been rumoured that Victoria Beckham has started having a course of laser treatment to remove not only one but many of the tattoos she had in her youthful years.

Everything from the date her and David renewed their wedding vows to the Latin phrase she had tattooed onto her arm are set to be removed. Maybe she is after a clean start, maybe she is bored of the tattoos she had or maybe tattoos are just not very in this season!

All we ask is that before you sit down to have a picture of Rhianna or Susan Boyle tattooed across you back, you take a second to think about what you are actually doing.

And, if it’s too late, make sure you visit a tattoo removal clinic to get rid of that unwanted tattoo for you!


Still Just The Beginning

When I seperated from my ex-husband I thought I was almost at the end of "finding myself" and changing.
I felt like that freedom from the marriage and being able to spread my wings meant that I was then able to be Lauren.
I liked who I was becoming. I felt confident being her.

A year and a half later I've realised that actually, I was only at the very beginning and that the journey to finding yourself and becoming yourself isn't as easy as you may first believe.

In fact it was a conversation today with my ex-husband that actually made me realise that I'm not yet done with my transformation.
As he said "It's not good but I think you're allowed some crazy stupid moments while you get your life back on track" I was slightly offended at first.
How dare he not think my life is back on track or that I am stable! Buy given the topic of our conversation I sat for a minute and realised he was right. And actually, my life isn't back on track yet.
Last year was hectic and was a blur. And only this year as the divorce hit me and has it become real.

I think back on how my life was last year. Who I was and how I was. It has helped me in who I am becoming.
However, I often think I am taking a back step and the confident woman I was last year is being replaced by someone who is questioning who she is.

I wrote a list of how I have changed in the last year and a half and I looked at that list.
All of it to do with looks, and as I wondered whether or not it was right or wrong of me to change any of these things I focused on the fact that right now they make me feel like me. And as much as other people might not like some of my decisions, I am confident in them.
And if changing my appearance makes me feel more confident, makes me feel more me, then that is how I will continue.

Being single, being divorced, with two children, confidence is hard to come by a lot of the time.
I feel judged, constantly. I feel like I am competing with everyone.
I know I am not special. I know I am not the one who stands out. I know I am not the one anyone wants to make special memories with, or to spend any amount of time with.

So the tattoos, the lip fillers, the nails, another ear piercing, debates over a darker hairstyle, all help to build up who I want to be.
Someone different to who I was before.
Building up to someone who maybe one day, someone will look at and love.
Who someone will one day look at and appreciate.
Who someone will one day look at and think is special.
Different from the rest. And worth taking a chance on. Worth getting to know.
Worth helping to complete.
Because I can only build and create so much of me.

Whoever I am becoming. Whoever she may be. I just want her to feel loved and respected.
To be understood.
To be enough.
To be everything to someone.