She Breaks

She laid on her bed. The light off. The evening darkness rolling in, the only light coming from the opening in her curtains.
She listened to the cars outside. To the rain hitting the window.
She looked out at the glittering light bouncing on the raindrops resting against the glass.

She hadn't felt like this for a while.
Like she doesn't know who she is.

Only this afternoon was she thinking how badass she felt and how for the first time in so long she felt as though she could achieve anything. Like all the plates were spinning in time.
Confident in everything she does. Confident in her full control in every area of her life.
Confident in her choices.

And then suddenly it went dark. Not black. But dark.
She was reminded of how hard things can be. The challenges. The lack of support.
The feeling alone and feeling like it's her against this big monster. The monster that chases her that, for a while, seemed to be a big distance away.

And for a moment she laid there. Scared because she can't remember how this feels.
There have been some horrible moments this year. And it's been dark before but she managed to get through it.
She managed to be strong enough to crush her way out.
But right now she feels like she is still falling and there is so much darkness set to come.

She lays there in the dark and hears the cars driving past.
The rain now nothing but drops on the window and puddles on the road.

Tomorrow things will be better. She tells herself.
She reminds herself that despite the dark she will put on that mask and smile and not let anyone see the cracks underneath.
The fact that despite having a hold on some of her life, she feels confused about other areas.
About areas that are now grey and cloudy and empty.
And the areas which she feels she is clingy onto so bad.

And then.
Her eyes fill with tears.
Her heart races.
Her tummy clenches and there is the feeling almost like butterflies.
The warm tears fall down her face.
She breaks. 



2019: The Third Quarter Review

As we now head, far too quickly for my liking, into the final quarter of the year it's my chance to look over the third quarter.

It's not been the best. It's not been the worst either but there are moments I am trying quickly to forget and to not let consume my life for much longer.
I did a 2 part course at work which was really helpful for part 1 but part 2 was fantastic in terms of helping me with where I need to focus and where I need to look at, address and cope with past situations. To strip them apart and to realise that they have no part to play in my life as they were due to other peoples actions and not mine.
My mental health has really suffered the last 3 months and I can't let it control my life for much longer.

There have been good moments. Really good moments.
I've made some fantastic friends through work, a couple who are local and one who lives almost 3 and a half hours away. I always find it funny how you can meet people and just go "You! I like you!", or to know that there is a reason they are in your life and that they have some kind of part to play. I like to believe that anyway.

So the other good moments.
I've made a lot of lovely memories with the boys which this year I've really felt is a big part of my purpose.
We went to a trampoline park for Harry's birthday, we went to Snetterton twice; once to watch British Superbikes and the second time to watch Truck Racing, we went to Las Iguanas for a meal and then went to the cinema to watch Toy Story 4. Charles had his first sleepover so Harry and I went to the Owl Sanctuary. We marched at Norwich Pride to represent Wickes, went also went to Norwich on the train a few weeks later with one of my best friends and his husband for a meal and a walk around the shops. We played in the garden (paddling pool summer!!), walked in the woods, had a beach day with Hayley and her two children, had a day at Bewilderwood, went to Bristol, and Wales.

I've definitely felt a bit unsettled really due to my job. My temporary placement is coming to an end however is also partly being extended meaning that actually I work for two departments in the company and have two bosses. It's nice to feel wanted and trusted but I think it might take a week or so to adjust.

In terms of dating, because I want to look back on this one day and have it noted, I've been on one date and that's it. For the first time in a long time I am almost completely ok with being single. But not "single and ready to mingle" but more "single and back off!!!". I'm not emotionally, mentally or physically (in terms of how I view myself and my looks and body) ready or willing to put myself out there for anyone.
I have a lot of work to do to be happy enough with myself to let someone in.
I'm not saying that I would completely rule out dating or anyone at the moment but it's one if those "if someone turns up then ok".
I'm happy to live by the quote "Sometimes what you're looking for comes when you're not looking at all".

My career has played a big part in my life the past 3 months but also, so has down time. I'm recognising when I need time to just forget it all and relax, have fun and be in the moment.
I've started to read again and managed 6 books in 3 months which for me, isn't bad at all!
And managed a trip to the cinema to see IT: Chapter 2 which I absolutely loved.

It's been really nice to have things to look forward to as well really.
So far for the rest of the year I have a theatre show, James Arthur concert, Dermot Kennedy concert,  hoping to fit in a trip to Milton Keynes to see Hayley and the children also, as well as a car race and fireworks at Snetterton, various other fireworks displays, and then whatever Christmas holds!

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