This month has been tough.
For various reasons and it got to the point where it has affected my mental health. My anti-depressants are getting me through everyday but there is still that feeling of "I'm not very well at the moment".
I don't particularly want to socialise with people, other than my children and my cata. I don't particularly want to leave the house, let alone my bed.
I'm running with those feelings and actually, if that's my bodies way of telling me that this is what I need to do right now then I trust it. I don't want to put myself in a situation that I can't cope with, could potentially make me feel worse or cause a panic attack.

For the first time in a while this month I have been able to recognise that dating, right now, isn't for me.
For so long, over the last 4 years really, I've always felt like I NEEDED a man. A partner. A boyfriend.
I'm not going to lie, do I feel jealous when I see people with their partners? Of course i do! Would I like to have someone special in my life? Of course I would.
But right now, I'm not in the right place to focus on putting myself out there to find someone, or to focus on someone who is right for me.
What I've realised is that it's not a relationship that is missing from my life. But solid friendships.
I've always been the type to get on with men more than women. But when you are single, and female, you can't be friends with men (so it seems!!) unless it is a secret friendship.
I have two "secret friendships" and as nice as they are, I can talk to those men (well message them) about anything and they are supportive and give great advice, it hurts a bit that the friendships are secret.
Just because a woman is single, it doesn't mean she wants EVERY man, or YOUR man.
I want a friendship, with a man, where someone can come round and watch a film, or go to the cinema with me, go for a day out on the weekend, go play pool, go watch motorbikes or any kind of racing at Snetterton with me and to just hang out as friends. As best friends. With no hidden agendas and no potential awkward moments of "I thought it was more than that".
If I try to trick my brain into thinking about dating, try to tempt it into downloading Tinder "just to see who's about" I am shut down straight away.
And I know that's a clear sign that right now, it's not for me.

My focus needs to be on my children and they've said themselves that this year has been on of their best years with me as a parent, and I think that's because I have tried my best to create memories with them and to really be a tight team with them. That's not to say I haven't done that before and that I haven't been a good parent before this, because I have, but I've made a conscious effort to be there more and to do more and with more plans for this year in place my focus is still on them.

My career is something that has taken up a lot of my head space the past 5 months. With a secondment to head office I thought I knew what I wanted but with that coming to an end and deciding to not fight for a place at head office and instead choosing to go back to store, I think next year I will have a real think about what I want.
I love my job and the company I work in. I loved my job before my secondment and the job during my secondment, so it will now be a case of seeing if I really get job satisfaction or if I need more.

I want to focus on my blog more and stepping back from the role at head office will give me that time to put some more effort into writing again.
It also gives me more time to focus on my faith as it's definitely something I want to e explore more and with a head that is full and busy of so much more it's hard to get rid of that and to be clear enough to tune in spiritually sometime. And I really feel like that is missing from my life at the moment.

I'm proud of myself though.
I'm proud that instead of letting my mental health spiral downwards I am working with it to allow it to do what it needs to do, but also to gain some control to see what I can do to make things better.
I've always said I'm not ashamed of my depression and anxiety. It's nothing I have caused and it is part of me and has been for 20 years now.
It is part of me and I accepted that a long time ago. But this year, it feels like the first year I have been able to really deal with it and recognise what it needs to do. What I need to allow it to go through, and how I need to allow it to cope. But I've also been able to recognise that I have some element of control in terms of what else I can focus on to not make things worse and to not feed it.

And for that I am proud.
Really, really proud. 



British Superbikes: Snetterton

A couple of weekends ago we did something a little different and tried something new.
Despite being a fan of the TT and a novice fan of Road Racing I've never really been interested in or looked at other kind of motorsports, especially anything like British Super Bikes. I've looked at it when it's been on tv but haven't been able to really get into it. However I do enjoy watching the odd clip on Facebook or YouTube.

We don't live too far away from Snetterton and driving past there to drive to Watford I noticed on the big Billboard that BSB was going to be there in July.
It wasn't my weekend with the boys and they were due to be with their dad, and I considered going by myself.
After thinking about it I asked if I could have them on the Sunday so they could come with me.
After seeing the price difference between Saturday and Sunday (Saturday £16, Sunday £35, boys were both free) I then decided to go on the Saturday and their dad kindly let me have them for the whole weekend.

We got a picnic and headed over around 11 o clock. Although on the drive over the weather was all over the place, sunny and then heavy rain so I phoned my brother to see if it would still be likely to go head (at the TT any rain, fog or bad weather stops the race mainly due to the mountain and AirMed not being be able to fly). He said they would still go ahead and race so, unafraid of rain, we carried on to Snetterton.

I didn't really know what to expect as we drove there. I'd been to watch my brother do a track day at Snetterton but that's as far as my "watching motorbikes on a track" has ever gone.
It's known (by my brother and my children) that I cry at the TT. I cry at videos of the TT.....but that's just because I love the TT right?

Nope!! Turns out its the sound of bikes racing in any form that makes me cry!
My uncontrollable legs, which we have nicknamed my "Dunlop Dance"...also apparently aren't just limited to the TT.
As we drove to the car park, with the windows down listening to the bikes, I felt so excited and so happy.

I knew of a few of the racers at the BSB, more than I thought so I was quite surprised at myself really!
The boys were excited too and didn't moan once...even though there were two incredible downpours and the three of us had to huddle under our big TT golf umbrella until it stopped.
It didn't ruin our day though.

I've been quite lucky to have never seen a crash at the TT, despite them happening whilst I was there I've never actually seen one.
However I saw one at Snetterton. The rider was able to get up and walk away but what upset me was seeing how disappointed and angry he was, clearly at himself, especially as he was one of the young riders. Still, he was ok and that's all that matters.

We stayed until the final race and watched the sidecars which I actually enjoyed watching here more than at the TT. Although similarly to the TT people left once the big bikes had finished and didn't stay to watch the sidecars.
There wasn't many of us left but we stayed and stood proudly and clapped as they did their parade lap.

I don't think there was any point in the day when we didn't have a smile on our faces.
It was honestly one of the best days out I have ever had with the boys and I can't wait to do it again.



I really enjoyed writing and have since enjoyed looking back and reading my "2019: The First Quarter Review". So I thought it was something I should definitely continue with. We'll ignore the fact that this is 2 months late!

The second quarter has been a bit of a funny one.
In March I got a 6 month promotion with work which was a real eye opener and an amazing opportunity and I really enjoyed it despite having to constantly ask for work and to ask what I should be doing. I was head hunted for it and I think it was possibly rushed as there was no real clear indication or idea from anyone as to what I was really there for.

Due to an incident my boss left and I found myself as a spare part which wasn't a nice feeling but the team still made me feel welcome and gave me more to do. But the incident left me feeling awful. I questioned myself a lot in terms of who I am, what I did to deserve it and whether or not it was my fault for putting trust in someone and being so confident and comfortable with them.

It's been amazing in the biggest way because it has let me have weekends with the boys and being able to have proper quality time with them has been something I have really needed. It took getting used to that I had these 2 full days with them...4 full days in a month when usually all I get is 2 full days.
I definitely haven't taken full advantage of the time with them and still let work creep in at the weekend, not knowing or being able to switch off.

So the second quarter was really consumed with work and adjusting to the changes that brought. As the promotion resulted in me travelling to Watford 2 or 3 days a week it's definitely thrown family life and home life into a bit of disruption. School routine all over the place, no real house routine and I really need to work on that.

But our highlight of the second quarter had to be going to the TT. I never really thought about taking them there. It's always been my thing but with a week off work during a half term and wanting to take them away I then saw there were ferry crossings available and it was cheaper to go over to the Isle of Man and to camp there than to go on a caravan holiday over here.
As with the TT every year it takes me a while to get back to real life and takes me a while to be able to write about it but there are posts saved in my head which I will get written soon enough.

On to the next quarter.

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