She Flies With Her Own Wings

21.9.18

My Faith

I've been quite open about my faith on Instagram and have touched on it a little on here, but have never really discussed it properly.

I think it's important to start off by saying that I am very open minded about religion, and have masses of respect for whatever people choose to believe in. I would never doubt or question what someone else believes in just because I don't believe in it myself. I have no right to do that.
I have members of my family who are Jehovahs Witnesses and have often faced comments from others about that religion, which I find is swiftly changed once I mention that my nan is a Witness and has never forced her religion onto me. In fact, my nanny's faith is important to me as I feel it does improve her life, brings her friendships and an extra family, so who am I to ever question or be negative towards that, just because I don't believe in it myself?

I think the sad thing is that it could possibly affect my relationship with my nanny if she knew what I believed in. And as strong and comfortable, and confident I am with my faith, it is not worth ever potentially jeopardising a 33 year relationship with an amazing woman.

Anyway, I digress.

I've been interested in spirituality since 2006 when I saw a psychic for the first time and she became a friend. There was enough proof for me to believe in it, however at that point it wasn't such a big thing in my life. I think maybe I wasn't fully ready for it, and it wasn't my time to explore it.
Then in 2015 it became it a big part of my life.
It helped me make big life decisions, it brought me comfort...a massive amount of comfort, and I had enough proof to know that this is real. To know that there are others with me.
I got into meditation, into crystals and oracle cards. I got into following my gut, looking out for signs, listening to the voice in my head.

I think the important thing for me is that I follow my own path, my own journey, my own faith. Because that's exactly what it is. It's MY faith, and no one elses.
I don't follow any rules, I don't follow or read any bibles or literature.
I feel like, with my faith, it is all down to gut and intuition, and that can't be written down, or told.
There is a lot of growth, and I feel like I am constantly learning. I have had enough proof that what I believe is real.

However, I do constantly have questions, I have days when I doubt. I have days when I wonder what it truly is that I believe. I wonder if what I believe is actually true or if, psychologically, I tell myself and have convinced myself it is, just to being myself comfort.
But that for me is the beauty of my faith. That is isn't a strict religion. It is down to me. Completely.
I can interpret anything however I choose. I can have days of doubt and not feel guilty. To not have to say sorry to anyone.

I recently had a couple of months where I didn't do my cards, because it wasn't right for me to do it. And I respected that. Despite looking at them and wanting to do them, I had to follow the fact that at that time, it wasn't right for me to do them.

There are other things limiting since I have moved and although at times it has upset and confused me, I trust that there is a reason that right now it's not my time to be doing certain things, feeling or hearing certain things.
I know that there is a reason for it. That my focus and energy has to be elsewhere and once it is settled then things will come back.
And that's ok.
Because I have faith in my faith. I trust everything about my faith.

Time and tolerance

Once upon a time there was a lady called Hayley. She is a blogger, however only now blogs every 18 months.
In 2013 I met Hayley at a blogging conference. To this day I believe I was meant to meet Hayley and it was completely down to fate. She gave me the gherkin from her McDonalds burger, and our friendship is still as strong to this very day.
So, in 2013 not only did Hayley have this big moment in her life of us meeting (and her giving me a tour of where she had vommed in London, listing a whole load of baby names that she loved to the point that I didn't actually know her actual children's names, and discussed with me how and if we would ever stop our younger children from breastfeeding) she also turned 30 a couple of weeks after we met.
Around this time, she said some words to me that I have never forgotten, and that I have quoted to myself countless times, and probably only in 2015 and this year have I actually lived by this quote.

"Since turning 30, I have no tolerance for bullshit"

Another friend of mine described me last year as "too nice" and she had a point.

There was a time last year that due to a variety of comments, of ways I was treated or spoken to by various people, treatment over a period of time, and due to personal circumstances, that I went to a really low point. That my depression hit a time when I wasn't sure who I was, who I was supposed to be, or how to live my simple everyday life.
Life felt really dark, I felt alone, lost and like I could never get better.

As I started to get better I knew that I couldn't just rely on tablets. I had to focus on other areas and to do what I could to get myself into the light again.
I used my faith and got into oracle cards to try and help myself.
And I realised that who I let into my life, and who I surrounded myself with, who I let control me, my thoughts, who I let impact me, needed to be a big focus and needed an overhaul.

"Since turning 30, I have no tolerance for bullshit"

I needed to remember that.

It got worse at one point and I realised that sometimes, to find strength within yourself, you have to use the block button.
Phones don't help do they? Whatsapp, Text messages, Instagram, Facebook and so on. I realised that to block people out of my life I had to block people on these platforms. As soon as that was done, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
When these people have no way of getting in, of controlling, of making these snide comments, of digging away in any way they can, then life becomes easier. I was able to take control a lot more. And realised that these people were only able to get in because I let them.

"I have no tolerance for bullshit"

In November life became a lot better when a man entered my life and without trying he made such a big impact. When I realised that actually, being content with him, and the people I called my true friends, was all I needed.
I didn't need to try and have friendships with other people. I didn't need to have others to validate anything. Just those who actually made me feel like me. Who didn't make me question who I am. Or who didn't make me feel worthless or like I wasn't good enough for them.

I realised that I didn't have to let people get to me. I have had moments when I have felt low again but my boyfriend has become such a pillar of strength for me and is able to talk me down. To make me realise that other people don't matter.
I don't need to be anyone other than myself. And it doesn't matter if other people don't like me. Or don't like certain aspects of me. As long as those close to me, and those who matter to me, who I want in my life, are happy with me then others don't matter.

Those on the school run, those who you work with, the old school friends on Facebook, the people on Instagram who you have never met, those numbers in your phone of people who you no longer speak to.
Unless if they are true friends or have nothing but support for you, if you were no longer on the school run, no longer working where you work, no longer on Facebook, they don't really matter. Their opinions of you are irrelevant, their impact on your life should be minimal.

I think since making changes, I have been more control in my life. I have been low, and down. But I feel more in control of myself, of my thoughts, of what I deserve to be able to stand up for myself and say "I'm not doing that" and "It is important that I do this".
Life is short, life is important and I will no longer live it to please other people.

I have no tolerance for bullshit.

33 Favourite Things

As it was my 33rd birthday yesterday I wanted to mark it with some kind of blog post, other than the post I wrote Just another day.

I couldn't quite decide what to do. 33 facts, 33 quotes, etc. And yesterday when I was driving and listening to a certain soundtrack I realised I wanted to do a post on 33 of my favourite things.

1. Love