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26.3.17

Mothers Day: I Can Do This

Mothers Day used to mean something different to me. It meant a lay in, promise of the breakfast I had requested, a long soak in the bath, and a general relaxing sort of day doing whatever I wanted.
But it's different now.
Last year the boys were with their dad, something we agreed because it was his weekend with them and because it was just after his birthday so time for them to celebrate that with him. And Mothers Day wasn't the same for me anymore.

I am lucky at times with the boys. Although they can be hard work they do have such kind hearts. They will tell me I am amazing, they will look after me and will spoil me as much as they can.
This year I have the boys, but Mothers Day isn't how it is reflected in the cards.

"A day for you to feel appreciated"
"A day for you to rest"
"A day for you to feel spoilt"

Last week I got a trophy for being the best mummy. Just a general Tuesday morning, whilst Harry got ready for school, he made all this effort to make me a trophy to tell me I am the best. That meant more to me than a Mothers Day I'd be celebrating because I am told to celebrate.
I cherish those trophies, love notes, pictures, cuddles and effort that is made to tell me how they feel on any random day.

​I felt a little odd looking at cards and seeing adverts about how Mothers Day should be. It was almost another dig at how my life doesn't fit that stereotype or that ideal.
As I picked up two boys from after school club on Friday and they mentioned my present and shushed each other, hinting at what they got me, and as Charles slowly walked upstairs to his room holding a package ordering me NOT to look in his wardrobe at all between then and Sunday I realised how it is more important to them than to me.
I realised how grown up they are and how it doesn't matter that I am this parent on her own, because I have these two boys who have taken on the role as an adult in charge and have managed to get this gift into the house and to make me feel special.
I realised how being a separated parenting team can still work. How even though we are not together we are doing a good job because without him the boys wouldn't have been able to do what they have been done. They wouldn't have that sense of pride at making me feel special.

And I also realised that Mothers Day, like any day, is simply what you make it.
I want Mothers Day for me to feel pride in who I am, what I am capable of.
For me to prove I can do this, to feel strong and as though I can be the person my boys need me to be.
I don't want to be celebrated. I don't want to be told "thank you for being our mum". I want that one day to prove I am a mother.
To have one day where instead of relaxing I can prove to myself that despite my situation, despite the tough times and the moments I feel I am failing, I CAN DO THIS.

I miss that feeling of providing and of feeling like I am strong. I haven't felt it for a while.
So this Mothers Day, when the boys are in bed, I hope I can look back on the day and praise myself for doing it. For showing that I can be this mum. Not the perfect mum.
But a mum who is capable at least.



24.3.17

February Lust List

Although I've had a Pinterest account for a long time now I had mostly used it for quotes. Until two years ago when I discovered tattoos and then more recently I've become absolutely obsessed with it.
Pinning tattoos, nails, make up, hair, quotes and articles.

I wanted to put together monthly posts..."Lust Lists" sharing basically what I have been lusting after the most.

A little bit late with my February lust list...however here are a couple of things I was lusting after last month.

After accidently ending up with half a tattoo sleeve it was inevitable that I would have a full sleeve at some point. I didn't want to rush into anything and really liked the idea of either having a peacock on the top of my arm, finishing it off and not going further onto my shoulder and back...or a Russian Doll.
Pinterest for me is the best thing when it come to searching for tattoo inspiration and the dolls below helped me to decide that I definitely HAD to have one.

Since Christmas I have been wanting to change my hair. I tend to spend a lot of time on Pinterest looking at tattoos or quotes and decided to broaden my search and look at hair ideas.
In the past I have used it to look at short hair styles but never really to search for colour.
I was either going to go grey/silver, ice blonde, a rose gold pink or to go darker.
These were a few of my favourites.

23.3.17

I'm Failing My Children

I'm failing my children.
Not in every area, there are some things I do right but there are other things that I am doing wrong.

I almost took Harry to the doctor last week about his behaviour. When it came to it I couldn't go, simply because I couldn't sit there and say that sometimes his tantrums and melt downs aren't because of me. Because they are.
I am not the best mum I can be. I am lazy and I get snappy too easy. And I fail at not putting them first often enough.

Harry is off school ill today. It resulted in me having a panic attack and having spent the rest of the morning exhausted and wanting to curl up and cry because I felt like such a failure.
A failure because I was letting work down.
I was snappy with both boys this morning. Mean. And questioned Harry's feeling poorly even though it was clear that he had a slight temperature and couldn't swallow easily because of a sore throat.
I didn't put him first. I was putting work first. Putting letting them down first. And as a result fell out with my children and sat on the sofa in tears, struggling to breathe, being comforted by a 7 year old and 5 year old.

That's not right.
My children should not need to comfort me.
I shouldn't have to apologise to them for failing them. For not putting them first.
Instead of helping Charles get ready for school and making sure Harry was ok I frantically tried to work out a way around the work issue. A voice in my head was telling me to calm down. To focus on my family and not on something where there should be a process in place in case I am ill or unable to get to work for whatever reason.

These two children who rely on me. Who I have to keep alive and well were not my priority and I feel ashamed of that.
I did the school run with sunglasses on to hide my puffy eyes and tears.
We got back to the car. Harry sat in the front, promising to lay on my back when we got home and to help me breathe. Telling me we would count to 10, just as we did a week ago when again he helped count me down during a panic attack.

I filled with anger, at myself.
Why is my 5 year old promising to look after me? Why is he the one comforting me and taking charge when I am the parent?
I am the one who should be doing that for him.

And the feeling of failure came in strong. And I realised that again, as usual, my priorities were wrong.
I'd told Charles, as we walked into school, to stop snapping at me and talking to me without respect, but thinking about it, he is simply mirroring how I am talking to him.
How Harry's short fuse can simply be down to me. How I take the smallest thing out on them.
How I let everything else take over and overshadow any time with them.

They tell me I'm the best mummy, but I am far from it.
I am failing my children.