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16.2.17

Closure | The River

We drove the once familiar route from our house, onto the dual carriageways, until we reached what was once a lane full of deep potholes but now was covered in smooth tarmac.

I didn't really know how I felt, or how I should feel. I couldn't quite understand why I had this urge to go to the river.
I was worried about what feelings and memories it would bring back.

I immediately remembered how I didn't really like the journey there, not that it was a long journey at all but 45ish minutes, and remembering the journey home, after a day of sailing, was tiring. I didn't miss that.

We sat and ate our supermarket picnic lunch in the car until we decided to go for a walk. We started out at the car park, looking at a couple of ducks as they decided to jump into the river rather than to wait to see if we had any treats for them. We didn't, so at least they didn't make that an awkward moment!
And once I felt like I'd eased myself into this environment, that I hadn't been to for two years, we walked along the riverbank.
Another familiar route, usually involving armfuls of sleeping bags, food, and what sometimes seemed like unnecessary items for a simple weekend stay on a wooden yacht.

I missed the view. The sound of cows in the distance, the odd flock of geese flying over, the chug of a motorboat as it floats past.
I missed seeing the reeds moving poetically in the wind. I missed seeing the currant of the water. Dodging piles of goose poo, reminding the boys to not get too close to the water (in all fairness, they never do, but parent worries and all that).

I tried to not let emotions take over me. I stayed calm, with a few moments of my eyes filling with tears.
I was here to say goodbye. I was here to let go but to be thankful of those memories.

It all seems incredibly dramatic I guess, but I've learnt to trust my intuition and to follow any urges I have. I knew there was a reason I needed to visit the river.

We stood for a while, well, I stood, the boys played with various foliage they found on the river bank. I felt like I wanted peace and unreasonably got frustrated at them being noisy. Until I thought for a bit, and switched off from my thoughts and just listened to them. They were laughing. They were having fun.

Then I knew it was time to go.
With a head that was full of memories, both good and bad, we walked back to the car and I slowly felt those memories drift away. Not that they are gone forever, but they became my past.
They are no longer part of who I am now, or part of my life now.

The only two times I went to the river in 2015 were both bad memories. I didn't want the happy times to be clouded by those two times.
So saying goodbye to the river, and getting that closure, made me understand that urge to visit so much more.

It was something I needed to do. Something I needed to let go of.
It was an overdue goodbye to that part of my life.
To the old me.
Closure.

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3.2.17

2017 Promises

As someone who is obsessed with notebooks I couldn't resist picking one up from TKMaxx recently that had squared paper inside instead of lines or plain. I immediately decided that this would be my "blog notebook". I felt quite disappointed that my blog took such a back seat last year, when I thought it would be my escape and my place to go to vent and to talk about what was going on.

I used to be able to open my laptop and just write. But I haven't been able to do that, and I don't like it.
Instead though, I have found that pen and paper....much better!
I opened the book on a blank page and wrote "January Posts-Brainstorming" and wanted to see where it went.

I wrote the word 'promises' and made a list of promises to myself for 2017. Resolutions are crap, lets face it. They're almost made to be broken and to not be followed. But promises, I don't like breaking a promise and I feel that I need to stop making so many promises to other people and to instead start making more promises to myself.

I promise to look after myself more. I originally wrote "try to look after myself more" and then took out the word try.
I am going to make an effort to look after my skin and so far, am doing well with this! No longer going to sleep with my make up on, using products that will make my skin look and feel good.
Same goes with my hair. I used to be super lazy when it came to washing it and then making an effort to dry it and style it, and using products on it to stop it looking damaged due to heat and the fact that it is coloured. I'm starting to really understand and "get" that even the smallest amount of effort can make you feel better about yourself and more confident.
I also need to look after my health and my body in terms of exercising and my diet. Three years ago I was so proud of what I achieved and how I changed my diet but last year I let that slip massively and although I am kind to myself about that, I think it is now time to sort myself out and get back to that place where I looked and felt good.

Going along with the looking after myself more theme I need to look after my head a lot more. I have been shocking with my anti-depressants and haven't taken them as I should and spent too much time last year feeling ill because I didn't use them properly. I don't want to do that again.
I want to look into meditation and other ways of relaxing myself and keeping my head clear as much as I can.

I also need to look after my heart. I'm not sure how, or if this is even possible but I've certainly not been kind to it at all.

I promise to make the most of experiences. Really enjoying them and throwing myself into them, but also recording them to be able to keep the memories fresh.
I am really proud of the Isle of Man and Ireland videos I made last year, and the photos I took in Ireland. I didn't take as many photos at the Isle of Man which frustrated me, and more importantly I didn't use my camera enough to record memories of the boys.
I want to do more with them. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone (as I did when we went to Woburn) and to realise I am strong, brave and good enough to be able to have experiences as a family of three.

I promise to think more about myself and what I want from life. To not worry so much about other peoples opinions and what they think of my choices.
I promise to say yes to invitations and experiences. I want to look back on the year and to be able to see good times with other people, and to not just have memories of sitting at home by myself wanting to be out there.

I promise to stop burying my head in the sand and to "get shit done". I know full well that I am lazy and I do let things build up and get on top of me and I can't live like that.
I need to write to do lists, use my time more wisely, and be an adult.


 

2.2.17

Women with Tattoos | Empowered, Fearless, Wise, Authenticity, Forever

I never really liked tattoos. I certainly never thought I'd end up with half a sleeve and a thigh tattoo with a full sleeve likely to be done by the end of the year and another thigh tattoo being thought about.
Originally I was going to get some small tattoos, but when I got those it's safe to say the addiction was also etched in my skin.

Tattoos, like breastfeeding, is something everyone has an opinion on. And something everyone thinks they have the right to comment on.
People can be harsh.

I know full well that tattoos aren't for everyone. But to me, they are personal. And a critisism against my tattoo/s is a criticism against me, against my life, and against my story and my memories.
All of my tattoos have a meaning, they're not just something I saw that I liked. Not just a fashion statement.

I started to take comments personally. To wonder if I really was making myself unattractive, starting to make myself "look like a chav" and to take away my femininity.
It took away my love of my tattoos and made me for a while question whether or not I had done the right thing.

Love And Pain: 7 Reasons Why Girls With Tattoos Make Better Lovers By Zara Barrie #tattoos #girlswithtattoos #identity:

Then something clicked.
The reason I got the tattoos. They are for me. They tell my story and mean a lot to me.
I don't worry about regretting them when I am older. Life is too short to regret getting a tattoo. I would rather be an old lady and regret getting a tattoo than to be an old lady and regret not getting a tattoo.
In the past two years I have considered cosmetic surgery. I wanted bigger boobs, a tummy tuck, liposuction. But for me, tattoos are the better option.
I do get lip fillers, only in my top lip, purely for vanity and confidence reasons. And it would be the same if I was to get any other cosmetic surgery. But my tattoos are more personal.
They represent me as a person. And I am proud of them.

I went on Pinterest, to give myself a boost, and searched for women with tattoos. I've been doing this now for over a year and it built my confidence about my tattoos and made me realise that it's my skin and if I feel good about myself, and I am sure of my choices, then that's a good thing.

I came across this article from Elite Daily. Not that I agree that Girls with Tattoos do actually make Better Lovers (fyi, I have tattoos and am incredibly indecisive!) but there were certain points in the article that made me feel fantastic. That made me realise I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to feel bad about and that actually, I am brave for having these tattoos.

Conversations come up from people, asking what the tattoos mean and I am confident to explain the reasons why. As I said, these tattoos are personal so telling people about the meanings really means I'm letting them in, I have these tattoos and completely leave myself open to questions and would feel ridiculous to say "Oh, it's personal" and to not explain what they mean.
They are all chosen for a reason and represent a certain point in my life, or a part of me, and none of this is anything I am ashamed of or too afraid to talk about.

Before you tell someone your opinion on their tattoos, particularly if it is a negative opinion, just have a read of the quotes from the article below, and try to understand why people have them.
Understand the meaning of the tattoo, what it might mean to the person, what it says about them, about their life, about their story.
Understand that they might be sharing something with you, letting you, whether you be a friend, family member or a complete stranger, into their personal world and letting you see what is special to them.

Yes some people get tattoos that they regret, or tattoos just because they are fashionable, or just because they thought it looked nice on Pinterest. But we're not all like that.