I'm 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. 6 days until due date.
How am I feeling?
I'm feeling 56 weeks and 4 days pregnant (numbers picked at random)
This pregnancy has gone so quick but I feel like I've been waiting for this baby to come for such a long time.
He's not here because he's not quite ready to be here. Simple.
I'm angry at my body for not hurrying up the process and not being ready to get him out.
My body isn't ready yet either. Simple.
I can't seem to snap out of it.
There's a week to go. Why am I being this person I do not like?
I think part of it is the panic of not being able to just leave the house, we have to get childcare for Charles sorted too.
I know the type of birth I want this time, I knew last time and had that exact birth, and so this time I want the same, yet there could well be the chance that I don't get that birth. And it makes me angry and anxious that I can't be guaranteed that exact birth.
I can't help but imagine the worst....my waters break, contractions start immediately and I have to contact my husband to get him home [wait for his cover to take over] ring 999 to get to hospital, make sure Charles is ready to go with me. Yes, with me. So I'd be in an ambulance then in a delivery suite, in labour, with my toddler.
My toddler seeing me in labour is not something I want to happen at all. And it scares me that it could happen.
The other thing that I hate about this stage is the not knowing. Not knowing when he's going to come. Or how. When I say how I mean will my waters break? Will I just have contractions and then head over to hospital for my waters to break mid pushing like they did with Charles?
Will due date mean due date [again]?
The birth I'm relaxed about, I'm bizarrely laid back about all that, as long as I have the birth I want. And I know the most important thing is that the baby arrives safely and is healthy. Noted. But its the last time I'll be pregnant and my birth with Charles was perfect and I want the same again. Desperately.