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30.6.11

The Waiting Game.

I'm 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. 6 days until due date.
How am I feeling?
I'm feeling 56 weeks and 4 days pregnant (numbers picked at random)
This pregnancy has gone so quick but I feel like I've been waiting for this baby to come for such a long time.
I'm not a pregnancy moaner, normally. I hate people wishing their babies out. No matter how uncomfortable they are. The baby will come when he/she is ready. That's what I normally live by.

Yet this time I am a moaner, and I hate it. I hate myself for wishing this baby out and for being impatient.
He's not here because he's not quite ready to be here. Simple.
I'm angry at my body for not hurrying up the process and not being ready to get him out.
My body isn't ready yet either. Simple.

I can't seem to snap out of it.
There's a week to go. Why am I being this person I do not like?
I think part of it is the panic of not being able to just leave the house, we have to get childcare for Charles sorted too.
I know the type of birth I want this time, I knew last time and had that exact birth, and so this time I want the same, yet there could well be the chance that I don't get that birth. And it makes me angry and anxious that I can't be guaranteed that exact birth.

Saturday has be in a panic. We have 4/5 people on back up for childcare. On Saturday all of these people have other plans, including work, holiday, travelling back from a mini break and a Take That concert. And my husband is at work, an hour away.
I can't help but imagine the worst....my waters break, contractions start immediately and I have to contact my husband to get him home [wait for his cover to take over] ring 999 to get to hospital, make sure Charles is ready to go with me. Yes, with me. So I'd be in an ambulance then in a delivery suite, in labour, with my toddler.
My toddler seeing me in labour is not something I want to happen at all. And it scares me that it could happen.
Its not these peoples fault that they have other plans of course, my I can't help but feel panicked and disappointed that my support network is in tatters and has the chance of failing me. Especially as I never ask anything of others, with regards to childcare anyway.

The other thing that I hate about this stage is the not knowing. Not knowing when he's going to come. Or how. When I say how I mean will my waters break? Will I just have contractions and then head over to hospital for my waters to break mid pushing like they did with Charles?
Will due date mean due date [again]?

The birth I'm relaxed about, I'm bizarrely laid back about all that, as long as I have the birth I want. And I know the most important thing is that the baby arrives safely and is healthy. Noted. But its the last time I'll be pregnant and my birth with Charles was perfect and I want the same again. Desperately.
When will the waiting game be up?