30.9.11

Have You Ever Convinced Yourself......?

Have you ever convinced yourself that there's something wrong?
Something wrong with you?
You can almost see it. See the illness and disease inside of you. Eating away at everything. Taking over every organ, every vessel, every single thing it can grab onto and take hold of.
It attacks.
It moves on.
Leaving a trail of devastation.
You convince yourself that its there.
That its taken over your body.
Beyond control.

You picture yourself sat at the doctors surgery. You tell the doctor of your worries.
You want to picture him saying everything is ok.
But you can't.
As much as you try.
Instead, you see whats really going to happen. Well, you see what you have convinced yourself.

You picture him telling you that you have to go for tests.
You notice his eyes. His facial expression. You can tell that he is telling himself to keep a straight face and not show sympathy to you. That he is trying his best to act "normal" and like everything is ok.
But its not. He knows its not. You know its not.
Because you convinced yourself.

You picture the phone call. Asking you to go to a meeting with a consultant.
"We can't give you the results over the phone I'm afraid. You need to see Mr X"
Boom. Then you know.
You know the answer.
You know you were right.
That the thing you convinced yourself was wrong.
The thing you convinced yourself that had eaten away at you. Had taken over your body. Attacked you beyond control.
Its dominated your body.
There's nothing you can do.
Nothing.

You picture the meeting. Where you sit in a small, cold, grey office.
No, its warm, its light. And big.
You notice family photos in frames around the room. Smiling children. Happy wedding photos. Perfect families.
Perfect lives.
The perfect life you had.
The perfect life you planned.
Until this thing came along. And took over your body.

You picture him telling you.
"I'm afraid its bad news"
You know this. You had convinced yourself after all.
You don't know how to react.
You are numb.
Just imagining it you can feel the numbness.

You don't know what to do now.
You hadn't got that far.
Because it scares you.
Because you won't dare go any further because..............well........there isn't much further to think about.
Because this is what you have convinced yourself.
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16.9.11

The Thing Is......

I know whats wrong with me.
I know where it all stems from.
I've had help. I've seen a counsellor and someone from the mental health team.
I've even seen a psychologist.

And the thing is, none of them can help me. Because I know whats wrong.
Being forgotten about. Being left behind. Not being important enough.
This is where it stems from.
My depression.
My anxiety.

I know that there's nothing anyone can say that will make me better.
I've tried.
I don't want to be on medication. I've had bad experiences of medication and I want to DEAL with my problems rather than mask them with tiny pills I'd need to take everyday without fail.

I am insecure.
I am paranoid.
I have issues with people forgetting about me. Not noticing me.
I have issues with people not thinking I am special.
Not meaning enough to people.

Not only that I have a malfunction with a filter in my head. As my doctor put it.
Whereas any "normal" person can filter information into "possible" and "not possible", my "not possible" filter doesn't work.

i/e...1 in X chances of being hit by a bus. I would be that one.
1 in X chances of having a comet hit your house. I would be that one.
1 in X chances of having a firework fly into you at a bonfire display. I would be that one.

In my head, SOMEONE has to be that one person. Why won't it be me?

But you know what. I am a normal person.
Meeting me you'd never know I had these feelings.
My friends don't know I have these feelings.
Family don't know I have these feelings.
My own husband doesn't know some of the things I feel.

Because I hide it.
I ignore it.
It's the best way to be and the best way to deal with it.
If I ignore it, then its not there.
And if its not there its not an issue.

I'm not ashamed.
NOT. 
Some might think I'm crazy. Some don't know how to deal with it. What to say.
But I can't help how I feel. Or how I think.

These thoughts and feelings are a part of me. How I was made. Ignited through life experiences.
And its ok.
Without them I wouldn't be me. Would I?

I have days where its hard to cope. Really hard.
Then some days its easy.
I just have to get on with it regardless.
I can't let this rule my life.
I rule my life.
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12.9.11

I Love Cake: Fruit and Nut Cupcakes.

I was making cakes anyway last week with Charles. This being the first time we'd made cakes together. My first batch was perfect and then second batch [which I made without Charles' help] failed miserably.So the next day I recruited my little baker again and cracked on with the job at hand.
There were certain flavours I wanted to attempt but I ran out of ingredients so I looked at what I had and realised I had a craving for a particular chocolate bar so this gave me my inspiration [to an extent]

Fruit and Nut Cupcakes
Makes 12 cupcakes
125g caster sugar
125g butter
2 eggs
125g self raising flour
Raisons [as many as you'd like]
Chopped hazelnuts
Nutella
Mix together your sugar and butter
Add both eggs, one at a time, folding in some flour each time
Fold in the remainder of the flour and mix well
Once you have a smooth cake mixture add some of the chopped hazelnuts [leaving some for the top of the cakes] and mix
Then add your raisons and mix also
Once you are happy with the mixture, spoon it into cake cases which have been placed onto a baking tray [preferably one suitable for cakes/yorkshire puddings, you know the ones I mean]
Place into a preheated oven and bake 180oC / 160oC [fan assisted oven] for about 20 minutes.
 Once these come out then take a dollop [thats the technical term for blob] of Nutella and spread on top. YOU decide how much.
Then add a sprinkle of hazelnuts.
Leave the cakes to cool and then eat them all before anyone else see's and wants to have a taste! 

These are really gorgeous and take almost like a cake version of a Ferrero Rocher than a fruit and nut bar. I will be making this as a chocolate cake as well as a plain sponge as it would work perfectly.  
Charles very rarely eats a whole cake but he demolishes this within minutes!

*Be warned, the nutella makes it messy if you don't handle with care but its sooooo yummy with it.



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