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30.9.11

Have You Ever Convinced Yourself......?

Have you ever convinced yourself that there's something wrong?
Something wrong with you?
You can almost see it. See the illness and disease inside of you. Eating away at everything. Taking over every organ, every vessel, every single thing it can grab onto and take hold of.
It attacks.
It moves on.
Leaving a trail of devastation.
You convince yourself that its there.
That its taken over your body.
Beyond control.

You picture yourself sat at the doctors surgery. You tell the doctor of your worries.
You want to picture him saying everything is ok.
But you can't.
As much as you try.
Instead, you see whats really going to happen. Well, you see what you have convinced yourself.

You picture him telling you that you have to go for tests.
You notice his eyes. His facial expression. You can tell that he is telling himself to keep a straight face and not show sympathy to you. That he is trying his best to act "normal" and like everything is ok.
But its not. He knows its not. You know its not.
Because you convinced yourself.

You picture the phone call. Asking you to go to a meeting with a consultant.
"We can't give you the results over the phone I'm afraid. You need to see Mr X"
Boom. Then you know.
You know the answer.
You know you were right.
That the thing you convinced yourself was wrong.
The thing you convinced yourself that had eaten away at you. Had taken over your body. Attacked you beyond control.
Its dominated your body.
There's nothing you can do.
Nothing.

You picture the meeting. Where you sit in a small, cold, grey office.
No, its warm, its light. And big.
You notice family photos in frames around the room. Smiling children. Happy wedding photos. Perfect families.
Perfect lives.
The perfect life you had.
The perfect life you planned.
Until this thing came along. And took over your body.

You picture him telling you.
"I'm afraid its bad news"
You know this. You had convinced yourself after all.
You don't know how to react.
You are numb.
Just imagining it you can feel the numbness.

You don't know what to do now.
You hadn't got that far.
Because it scares you.
Because you won't dare go any further because..............well........there isn't much further to think about.
Because this is what you have convinced yourself.