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27.9.11

Just...Relax?

"Why don't you go and have a hot bath this afternoon? I can take Charlie to work for half an hour or so"

Oooo lovely. A bit of time to myself, I thought, in between ripping copious amounts of white tissue from the toilet roll.
"Ok thanks, you'll take Harry too yeah?"
"Erm, well, Charlie can play in the garden can't he. I can't really look after Harry too".
Pop.
Bubble.
Burst.

I'm poorly and I suspect Harry is feeling almost as poo as me.
He wakes from his nap, as soon as I sit down to eat lunch of course. He's been asleep in his moses basket for around an hour. Before this he was asleep in my arms for the same amount of time. Only waking to smile at me, have some milk, give a thankful appreciative "thanks for your boobie mummy" smile and nod back off.

How long will he stay awake?
My husband holds him so I can finish my lunch and grab a drink, the whole time Harry's eyes watch me.
"Where's my lunch mummy?"
"Where's my drink mummy?"
My milk automatically comes in just through looking at him.
We're not in any kind of routine. I don't "do" routines until around 12 months but only slightly then anyway. I prefer the baby led approach.

He stays awake for 2 hours. We have a nice play with his brother, watch In The Night Garden, I take photos of them both cuddling then its milk time again.
And.
Sleep.
And slow transfer to the moses basket (think Friends style "hug and roll")

Excitement fills my body!
Bath time!
HOT bath time.
Recently my baths have been hijacked by a splashy toddler so a solo bath is high on my treats list.
I rush Charles to the studio (converted .garage) and pass him on to my husband. I then slowly pick up the moses basket and slowly walk upstairs.
Please don't wake.
Please don't wake.
Please don't wake.

He stayed asleep.
Quick.
Taps run. Muscle soak sprinkled. Few drops of tea tree oil and...
Ooooooooo.
That's soooo good.
The hot water relaxes my achy poorly muscles.
This is perfect.
I even top it up with hot water. Almost to the point when its unbearable. Inches away from flowing over the lip of the tub causing a flooded floor.
Simply.
Because.
I.
Can.

Although am I relaxed?
No.
I'm on a time limit.
30 minutes or so. What does or so mean?
What's the max time?
I daren't ask through not wanting to sound ungrateful that my husband is sort of giving me this time off (I say sort of because I still have Harry)

I want to lay here and close my eyes.
Daydream.

Instead I am listening out.
Baby crying?
"Mumim"
"Weasel*"
10 minutes of soaking and I hear a stir.
No baby. Please don't.....
A couple of groans and....
Phew. He's back asleep.

My whole life now seems to revolve around time limits.
How long have I got before Charles/Harry wakes from his nap?
How long until Harry wants to sleep again?
How long can I stand in the shower in the morning until Harry forgets he'd just had a HUGE feed before we got out of bed and needs me again?
How long have I got to dry my hair until my husband goes to work? Do I leave it wet? Can I completely dry it? Or is it just a quick "blast the dryer through it and do the best you can" 5 minutes?
How long through eating my tea until Harry smells it and decides he should be eating too?
How long into a perfect feed with Harry until Charles comes along and decides he NEEDS something or NEEDS to kiss or cuddle his brother?
How long until after a feed, will Harry do a burp? A poo? Or the dreaded projectile vomit?
How long into a bath with Harry until he poo's? (Fingers crossed this hasn't happened yet)
How long until Charles wakes at night telling us of his fear of the dark (despite lights being on) or the fact that "no I don't like my bed anymore"?
A solo trip to Asda/Next etc...how long until my phone rings or beeps? "Harry really needs you."
How long until my husband gets home from work for lunch or tea?

Yes my life is full of "how longs..."
Would I change it? Of course not!
I find it hard to switch off. To not listen out for the boys.
Right now, as I lay in the bath, knowing Charles is with my husband, my ears are still pricked. Listening to what he's doing.

Do I wish that for one hour I could let myself switch off? To relax fully?
To be able to lay here with my eyes closed.
Body totally relaxed.
With nothing to worry about.

Oops its been 40 minutes.....

*My nickname from my husband.