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16.9.11

The Thing Is......

I know whats wrong with me.
I know where it all stems from.
I've had help. I've seen a counsellor and someone from the mental health team.
I've even seen a psychologist.

And the thing is, none of them can help me. Because I know whats wrong.
Being forgotten about. Being left behind. Not being important enough.
This is where it stems from.
My depression.
My anxiety.

I know that there's nothing anyone can say that will make me better.
I've tried.
I don't want to be on medication. I've had bad experiences of medication and I want to DEAL with my problems rather than mask them with tiny pills I'd need to take everyday without fail.

I am insecure.
I am paranoid.
I have issues with people forgetting about me. Not noticing me.
I have issues with people not thinking I am special.
Not meaning enough to people.

Not only that I have a malfunction with a filter in my head. As my doctor put it.
Whereas any "normal" person can filter information into "possible" and "not possible", my "not possible" filter doesn't work.

i/e...1 in X chances of being hit by a bus. I would be that one.
1 in X chances of having a comet hit your house. I would be that one.
1 in X chances of having a firework fly into you at a bonfire display. I would be that one.

In my head, SOMEONE has to be that one person. Why won't it be me?

But you know what. I am a normal person.
Meeting me you'd never know I had these feelings.
My friends don't know I have these feelings.
Family don't know I have these feelings.
My own husband doesn't know some of the things I feel.

Because I hide it.
I ignore it.
It's the best way to be and the best way to deal with it.
If I ignore it, then its not there.
And if its not there its not an issue.

I'm not ashamed.
NOT. 
Some might think I'm crazy. Some don't know how to deal with it. What to say.
But I can't help how I feel. Or how I think.

These thoughts and feelings are a part of me. How I was made. Ignited through life experiences.
And its ok.
Without them I wouldn't be me. Would I?

I have days where its hard to cope. Really hard.
Then some days its easy.
I just have to get on with it regardless.
I can't let this rule my life.
I rule my life.