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19.10.11

Not Ready To Leave Yet

Do you ever just look out at the world and say wow?
No?
Do it!

Today we popped to the beach with my mother in law. As she and Charles walked behind playing with sand and stones, I walked ahead with Harry and just looked at what was around me.
Taking in everything.
I walked up some steps taking us from the sandy beach to the paved seafront and stopped. l looked out at the view before me.
The sky and its changing colours as the sun prepared to set on another completed day. These colours against the assortment of blues and greens of the sea made for a breath-catching view.
It all looked so beautiful.
I looked around and asked myself a question.
Did appreciate all that could see?
It wasn't anything specific to be appreciative of.
It was everything.
Life.
The World.
Everything.

I had a pretty horrific dream on Monday night which involved a family member dying. The dream seemed so real and its taken me 2 days to settle my mind and calm down and accept that this didn't really happen.
Also recently a young girl in our town, early 30's, died of a rare form of cervical cancer. I knew her, she was a friend of my brothers. She leaves behind three young children.
Jade Goody for some reason is also strongly in my thoughts at the moment. possibly because I like her, now have two young boys and I can't help but struggle to imagine what happened to her and she wouldn't see her boys grow up.

I looked again at the sky.
At the clouds and just how far away they are.
At how deep it is up there and wondered what is next for us all.

Then I looked down at Harry in the sling I was carrying him in. I gave him a huge squeeze.
Had we not been so lucky 15 weeks and 1 day ago I would've been standing there alone, looking up wondering where he was.
I looked down at Charles walking slowly on the sand, inspecting the footprints his weelies were leaving behind and every now and then bending over to dig away at the sand just like a dog does.
I couldn't help but smile.

To my boys the world is so innocent. They don't know of any evil that goes on. Of fighting, war, illness and disease.

I wish I could live in this innocent, pure world sometimes.
Where we turn on the tv and the news is all good and happy.
Life would be easy.
Nothing to worry about.
Waking up everyday and having little responsibility or worry.

I then look out to the sea again. It goes on for ages, and ages. Just 1 boat on the horizon today.
A jet skier whizzs around far in the distance.
Freedom.
Fun.

I ask myself again.
Did appreciate all that could see?
I did. And I do.
Every.
Single.
Thing.

When I think about the future I can never imagine myself as an old lady.
But I know for sure that I am not ready to leave this wonderful world just yet.
I want to explore.
Have fun.
Be happy.
And embrace life to the full.
For my boys.
I want to make every second count.
Life is far too short as it is but it can still be bloody amazing.

Get out there and have a wow moment.