Pages

13.12.11

Learning to Fly



Tomorrow Charles will be waking earlier than usual. If instructions are followed he'll be heading downstairs with daddy, eating his breakfast and drinking chocolate milk (will be a treat every Wednesday) then back upstairs to clean his teeth, get dressed and come in to see me and give me a big hug and kiss to say goodbye.
Our little baby is flapping his wings and learning to fly.

Tomorrow he starts with a childminder.
Just 4 hours every Wednesday morning. He knows one girl who already goes there but I now feel, and know, that this doesn't matter to him and his confidence whilst there.
On Monday he went for an hour by himself (his friend goes there on a Monday morning so he was with children he didn't know). I dropped him off, well I sat with him for 5 minutes then plucked up the courage to leave him.
To leave my little boy with someone who I had only met 3 times, who he had only met 3 times.
I don't know her parenting style.
I don't trust her 100% but I don't trust anyone 100% with my children (other than my husband/their daddy of course). Not even my mum. Up until now he's only really been left with family other than an hour max with one friend of mine.
I don't know anything about her other than that Ofsted have approved her to care for children.
She seems lovely, and Charles has taken to her which is fantastic.
His hour there on Monday went really well. He loved it infact and took a while to leave her house.

I can't help but to feel sick about it. To feel a tiny bit guilty.
Guilty that I want to send him away for 4 hours every week.
In fact, I don't WANT to send him, instead I feel I HAVE to send him.
At the moment he spends every hour, minute and second of the day with me. He occasionally see's his friends but not often due to working mums and lack of effort on others behalf (harsh but true) and sometimes I watch him playing and wish he had more friends.
Thankfully he is such a confident boy, a little too confident infact, and would play with anyone. Where he gets his confidence from we do not know! His childminder even commented on how confident he is and said you'd never of guessed it was his first time being left on Monday.
Which of course makes me very proud.
But I worry that when he goes to school he'll suffer by not having regular contact and by not having proper friendships.
He has no cousins as yet so the only contact he has with other children is whenever we have a playdate with friends and this can sometimes be a month or two months apart.
I also feel he needs to get used to me not always being around.
As I said we spend a lot of time together and he's only been apart from me a handful of times, and each time will ask where I am after a while and need to see me or know that I'm ok.
We've spent one night apart and that was when I gave birth to Harry. In fact that was the longest we'd spent apart which was 23 hours. He hardly slept.
Of course it makes me feel amazing that he needs to know where I am and obviously shows I am a huge part of his life (which may sound funny but its an issue for me with certain relationships and I desperately need the reassurance).

Recent events, mostly being my anxiety reappearing and Harrys birth, has made me look at life totally different. My eyes have really opened up to how short life is and how bloody important it is to live each second how we want to and with people we love.
If I had my way, my boys wouldn't go to school, they'd be with me everyday.
Because of his I can't help but beat myself up a bit about CHOOSING to send him away to spend 4 hours with someone else. 4 hours I could spend with him that I'm not spending with him.
What am I doing?!
When he's there I'll be at home doing housework (if Harry allows me to) and he could be here too.
Its not like I'm at work and he NEEDS to be there.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing it for him. That he will have fun. That he will hopefully make new friends.

I desperately want him to be liked.
He is such an amazing little boy, and I'm not just saying that because he's my son but because it is true.
He's funny, sensitive, so clever and one of my best friends.
I'm doing it for him.
I'm doing it for him.
I'm doing it for him.

Tomorrow will be the slowest 4 hours since the day I was in labour with Harry I'm sure.
There will be a lot of clock watching.

Roll on 12 o clock!!