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24.2.12

And Then I Realised...

I must be getting better!

I had to see my doctor on Wednesday. I'm really lucky that I have an amazing doctor. I could talk to him about anything.
He's very understanding of my anxiety and has never made me feel silly or crazy.
I saw him about something other than my anxiety and he had to prescribe antibiotics. After checking if I was breastfeeding and looking in his book he realised I couldn't have the antibiotics normally prescribed for my problem.
Instead he prescribed something else.

I can't remember if he was talking about the original antibiotics or the second item he prescribed but he told me that "it had been reported that one baby had bloody diarrhoea whilst their mother was using this medicine".
He then went on "oh, I probably shouldn't have told you that. You'll think that it will happen to you too"
He was right. NORMALLY I would.
But I stopped and felt really excited and might have said slightly too loud,
"Oh my goodness! I must be getting better!! I didn't think that at all!"

I always thought that if the chances of something happening were 1 in a million, then I would be that 1.
Why wouldn't I?
Even if the chances were 1 in 99 million I would still be that 1, or one of the boys would, or my husband would.

For me to not think that straight away when he told me of that one baby reacting to the medication I knew that, even for that minute, I am getting better.
By myself.

"Just because it happened to that one baby it doesn't mean it would happen to us does it?"
I asked.
"And that was one baby out of how many?"
"Out of every baby whose mother has used this and breastfed" he replied.
I was happy with that.
"And it doesn't necessarily mean that it was due to this medication that the baby had bloody diarrhoea does it? It could've been something else and just been a coincidence right?"
"Right"

I walked out of the surgery with a skip in my step.
I didn't even realise I was feeling better in this way.

I still have a long way to go (that same night I cried and had a panic attack at the boys fighting on Waterloo Road)
I think some areas I will never feel better but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

This though, is a very good start!