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13.2.12

Friendships

I like myself. I'm a good friend, scratch that, an amazing friend, yet people don't seem interested.
I mostly end up feeling like used.
There when you need me, if no one else is around. A last resort almost.
But other than that, I'm a spare part.

Even family I used to class as friends, close friends, have let me down severely in the past 2 years and 8 months. All since Charles was born.
They certainly picked their moments to decide to make me feel like I actually mean nothing to them.

Not to mention how the people in my last job made me feel.
Taking me back to school days when, one day, people were my friends, and the next, they weren't. For absolutely no apparent reason.
No fall out.
Nothing.
Just a simple, "we don't like you today".

Throughout my life its been the same.

Friends letting me down.
Stealing from me.
Not being at all sensitive over my parents divorce (my dad had an affair with my best friends mum. This best friend was at first embarrassed then didn't care and boasted to me about her own infidelity)
My two best friends, the two friends I thought would never ever let me down. The two girls I had known from birth. Decided they didn't want to put the effort in to see me, yet would travel to see Uni friends. In the end I felt I was begging to see them and I couldn't do that anymore.
So I stopped contacting them.
There's only so much giving you can do until it breaks you.
And I was broken in the end and had no other choice.

Even now I wonder what I truly mean to my friends.
I would only class 3 people as my friends.
That's pretty sad right?
3 people.
Yet I don't think I would even feature in their top 5, or top 10.
I think I'm 'the last resort'.
"Everyone else is busy so I'll see if Lauren is free."
Or its a case of "right I'll see Lauren, then I won't have to see or contact her for another month. That'll keep her off my back".

Two of these friends, more often than not, cancel on me. Its becoming quite a joke!

I went to a couple of baby groups with Charles. Hoping to make friends for us both.
I tried my hardest but...
Nothing.

Even in my past work life I never had a friendship like I'd always hoped. I had friends yes, but not a 'proper friendship'!

I always hoped to have a friend who I felt so close to. I felt I could say anything to and who felt the same with me.
Someone who I felt I couldn't live without.
Who I felt I couldn't go a week without seeing, and who felt the same with me.
A friend who would invite me round to share a bottle of wine.
Instead I feel at the moment that, without the boys with me, these people don't want to see me.

I'm a happy upbeat person.
Although I suffer from anxiety I don't let this show at all. So its not like I'm a horrid person to be around because I bring everyone down and make them feel depressed.

At the moment, I only feel I can properly count 3 people as my best friends.
My husband, Charles and Harry.