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19.3.12

The First Appointment...Finally.

Tomorrow is my meeting/appointment/chat with the "mental health link worker". I've waited 4 months for this appointment. In those 4 months I've got used to people not asking me how I am.
I'm used to people thinking that I should be over this.
That I'm silly.
That I should simply just "block it out". Like I haven't tried that already.

I've got used to writing it all down. To venting on my blog.

My husband once said that I'm so good at hiding how I feel and hiding what's going on.
I have to really. I don't want it to control me so I have to hide it.
I don't want it to define me. To be what I am about. I want to still be me.
I don't want people to feel like they have to ask me about it. Or that its all that I want to talk about.
I don't want people to think that my life is just consumed with this anxiety stuff and that nothing else happens.
I'm not depressed. I'm a happy person and very happy with my life. I can still laugh and have a joke.

So what do I do when, tomorrow, this link worker asks me how I'm feeling? Asks what kind of things I'm thinking?
The last one didn't know what to do and made me feel a bit extreme. I hadn't even told him the worst of what went through my head at the time (2 years ago)

This is the first time I've met this person. I feel a bit, uncomfortable maybe, at saying "Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Lauren. I'm happy with my life but I'm pretty sure that we're going to be eaten by a lion next time we go to the zoo".
My biggest issue is I feel I have to convince everyone that I DON'T want to kill myself.
I am not tempted to even try to take my own life.
I am far from suicidal.
I am the complete opposite.
I want to do the best I can to stay alive.

I guess I have so many things I need to say. Or want to sort out. And such a limited time.
I don't know where to start.
I haven't even posted everything I feel on my blog. Not because I don't want to. But simply because there is a lot to write.

And if I've waited 4 months to get an appointment, despite being diagnosed by my doctor and a "Mental Health Assessor" as having severe anxiety disorder, then how long will I have to wait until the next appointment? Another 4 months?

What if she can't help? What if she doesn't understand?
What if she just says "You have to get over Harrys birth. Just keep thinking that he's here and the Vasa Praevia was spotted and dealt with" <cheesy smile, patronising head tilt>
I'm fed up with hearing that.
Its NOT as simple as that.
Its just NOT.

I don't know what I want her to say.
I don't think there is anything she, or anyone can say, to make me feel better.
I just want to be able to cope with it.
Its part of me and I don't feel ashamed about it.

If I have these thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life then fine. But I just want a way to deal and cope and be able to live with it.