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18.3.12

That Voice Inside

Sometimes you can just feel so lost.
Lonely.
Like a shadow of your former self.

People you thought were friends, you thought were family, stab you in the back.
More than once.
Cutting away at the person you were.
The person you are.
Did they ever like you?

Unsettled friendships follow.
Trust is a hard thing, when you expect everyone to just up and leave and forget about you.
Because they do.
Do you ever flick back in their memory?
Maybe. But not enough for them to want to contact you.

Some will only make contact when they're bored.
Or only want to share something in their own lives.
But where were they?
Where were they when you needed them?
Where were they when you wanted them?
Friends don't close doors on others in time of need, only reopening when they are ready.
Its too late.
Too late.

Is there any point trying to make other friends?
To go through the same again.
To have to explain your "problems".
To face rejection again.
To continuously want to shout at yet another person and say:
"What about my boys?
You don't want to make an effort with me, but what about my boys? They're supposed to be special to you too.
What about Charles? Friendships excluded from him because you can't be bothered.
Because you don't want to put the effort in.
Take, take, take.
I thought you were different."

Why do you try and help?
They never listen.
Your voice is nothing. Your opinions mean nothing.
You can see what's happening. You can see what they are doing.
You try to tell but your words float in the air.
Too light to make it to the persons ears.

Crumbling.
Sometimes its feels like something inside is crumbling.
Collapsing.
No structure. No support.
We all need structure. Support.
Beams to stop us falling.
To stop us crashing to the ground.

Just a bit of time.
Just talk to me.
Just listen to what I have to say.
Just want to be in my company.
Ask how I am and want to listen.
Want to have a conversation with me.
Want to know about me.

Make me feel like me.

Slam.

Another door closed.

Creek.

Another door closing.

All noises so familiar.
All noises too familiar.

Yet it hurts everytime.
Slam.
Creek.
Everytime.