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25.4.12

"Therapy" and That Stupid Vessel {V}

 So...I went to "therapy" on Tuesday. I thought this was the start of the treatment they would be doing with me to sort me out but I was told that the lady (different one to the one I saw before) wanted to go through everything and see if this treatment was right for me.
I have a lot of things I want to sort out. Harrys birth, anxiety, insecurities.
Due to this I never know where to start when someone says "right, tell me about what's been going on".
Somehow the conversation kept steering away from Harrys birth, which I was previously told was the issue they would be initially dealing with, and as much as I tried to steer it back it wasn't working.
The hour seemed to focus on talking about my dad, my issues with abandonment, and we didn't even touch on the anxieties I've been having and barely talked about Harrys birth.

When we did talk about Harrys birth I was made, at one point, to feel like I was the one who has caused this trauma because I wanted to know what was going on.
"If you would have told them to not tell you if something was going wrong or there was a problem then you wouldn't be going through this would you, you wouldn't have known".
Other than that being totally insensitive and unhelpful, it was also untrue.
The vessel being there, blocking Harrys way out, meant that I had 2 options, emergency caesarean section or waters broken in a controlled environment, with lots of staff, strapped up to monitors, and the possibility that it might still have burst the vessel.
I was extremely lucky that, although we did the latter, everything worked out perfectly and the vessel didn't burst.
My trauma has been based around what I've learnt about the condition; Vasa Praevia, what could have happened. Any flashbacks I had ended badly. Also I find it hard to accept that Harry is here sometimes, almost like "Final Destination-esque" and keep thinking he will be taken from me. Everytime he bangs his head I think its the end. I want to wrap him up in cotton wool, bubble wrap, in anything and everything I can to protect him.

I blame myself the majority of the time for what could have happened. I see that it was my fault that our baby was in danger since day one. Ok so there was nothing I could've done (apparently, I of course question this) but it was MY body that created the vessel. MINE. Therefore, I have to take responsibility.
So why, why, why would she, a professional, then [possibly] plant a seed in my mind that makes now not only blame myself for the vessel being there in the first place, but then also blame myself for the trauma afterwards.
Luckily I don't blame myself for the trauma. I know that I NEEDED to know about the condition whether I wanted to or not.
She ran the risk of planting that in my head. Of making me worse.
But why would that matter to her? It doesn't, because I won't be seeing her again.
She's referring me to a different treatment because she thinks I should "put the birth stuff to one side and get over it in my own time" (her words!!)

The thing is, I would've agreed with her. I was starting to feel better about it, until we went to the hospital today for Charles' eye appointment. We parked very near to where we did when I was in labour with Harry. I knew the exact spot that I had a major contraction.
I'd been to that car park 3 times since Harrys birth and was ok, but today, I sat and panicked. I imagined the vessel bursting right there.
We walked into the hospital and saw lots of people being pushed around on the big white plastic wheelchairs. I imagined myself sat on one of those, in labour, blood everywhere.
I felt so uncomfortable there today, and normally I have no problems with hospitals at all.
We have to go back in a months time and I hoping that all will be ok then and that this was just a one off.

The vessel may be long gone now, but it will always be a part of my life.
I'll never get over the anger of it being there and although I blame myself for it being there I will NEVER blame myself for the trauma.
If I didn't know about the Vasa Praevia then I wouldn't have known why I was taken from the birthing pool on the midwife led unit to a bed on the delivery suite and would forever have felt angry for not having a second water birth, which I felt strongly about at the time.
But also, I wouldn't be able to raise awareness of the condition.
And I wouldn't trust my body so much. My body told me that something was wrong. Instinct. I told the midwife countless times and then they eventually discovered the vessel.
My body told me it was there.
My body didn't push my baby out until it was safe for him to come.

But then my body also put that stupid vessel there....

V for the a-z blogger challenge. Vessel. Vasa Praevia.