Pages

16.8.12

Small Steps and Giant Leaps

 I didn't think I'd still be writing about anxiety. I wanted it all to be fixed or coped with by now. I wanted to be over it, or if not over it at least to the point that I wouldn't want or need to talk about it.

I feel like my foot work is all over the place. I'm constantly taking small steps or giant leaps. Feeling like I'm getting somewhere then taking a wrong turn and having to head back before I can restart.

I have a therapy plan at the moment. I am currently going through low intense CBT and exposure therapy. Basically exposing myself to problems and issues.
I love the idea of it. I really do.
But in practise, I feel it's not going to work and that so far it's sent me backwards.
Before I would panic about certain things. Now I find I am panicking about panicking.
I'm having to think about things more often which is making my head feel so heavy.
I'm having panic attacks again, which I rarely had. In one week I had 2 every day. I really wanted it to work.
It also doesn't help that my appointments are over the phone, are limited to 30 minutes, and aren't regular dates (ie not every week/2 weeks)
I've currently got a 4 week break between appointments. I've done very little for my next one, because I feel like I might as well just do it at the last minute. I've got to put myself in situations in which I am facing a fear or making myself feel anxious, in 4 weeks there is a lot I can do yet I won't have enough time to talk about these. So I don't really feel I am getting help, when really its about helping myself.
Let's be honest, I'm basically doing what I was doing (going to the zoo etc) only now rating it and thinking "hmmm am I scared?" and the result is normally "yes". The reason for that in some cases may be because I'd simply just put that idea in my own head by thinking about it.
I can see myself going down the "just fake it" route by telling the therapist that it's all working and I'm better just so they don't think I'm being stupid or difficult.

I also made a step in confessing all this to a friend. I thought it would help to share and to have someone there for me, not particularly to understand but to just be there to listen and support really.
I regret this now. Without going into details I have realised how selfish people can be.
You know something is wrong in life when online friends are nicer, kinder, and so much more reliable than real life friends!

Today, whilst having a moment where my anxiety was going mad again, I did something I've been wanting to do for a week, I made a giant leap and finally emailed someone I found on Google for an alternative therapy. It could be costly but my wonderful husband has said he will fund it. I'm really hoping the person I contacted will get back soon and say that this therapy is suited to me and that we can work together.

I was really proud to have used that adrenaline and fired up moment to then make myself send the email.

So, at the moment life is all about small steps and giant leaps. I want to set myself a goal of not feeling anything like this as we go into 2013 but at the moment I need support, from professionals, which is quite unreliable and without that, I'm by myself again.