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15.10.12

Off Duty

Sometimes it feels like there's never going to be the chance to be Off Duty.
Just the chance to switch off. Not all day. But just for 30 minutes.
Just the chance to not be....me.
To not have to listen out for a crying child. Not doing my every day duties. The duties I do. Every. Single. Day.
On repeat.
Like clockwork.

Just a tiny tiny piece of space. Somewhere to let go and dump everything.
Everything that is weighing so heavy in my head.
Making my head. hurt.
My neck. hurt.
My back. hurt.
My heart. hurt.

The same walls.
The same journey.
The same time.
The same routine.
The same conversations.

Everything is the same.

What about me.
What about. ME.
Where am I?
Where is the she I used to be?

Lost.
Forgotten.
Deleted?
Will she ever come back?
Or will a different she come back?
A better she?
A better me?

Someone people will like.
Someone people will want to ask after.
Someone people will want to be around.
Not forgotten.

Can he remember what I used to be like? The one he fell in love with?
Will they ever know that I'm not this stressed, screamy mummy.

Will a cry for help ever been seen as a cry for help? Or always as just another bad day?
It's not always easy to sweep it under the carpet.
Cross it off as a bad day.
Forget about it.
You can't.
Sometimes you can't.

Sometimes it sticks with you and you can't forget about it.
It's stuck in your head. And your heart.
And although others may forget it.
You can't.
Just another bad day.

Thirty minutes to be off duty.
That's all I want.