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22.1.13

Let's Change The Subject

When I had my first therapy session I gave my therapist a list of words I felt were important in describing how I felt, where I am and where I need to go. I also gave a list of topics, and people I felt we needed to talk about. One of those people has been talked about so many times, to so many people. I've talked about them here too. I also blogged about them last week.
Tomorrow I have my third therapy session and I am going to hold my head high, and say "I don't want to talk about him. Let's change the subject".
I've realised that no matter how many people I talk to, this person (why can't I even say their name now?! I physically can't type it!) will never change. The things this person has done will never be undone, the hurt they caused, the damage and the heartache as well as the anger and the hate.

If I want to move on I need to be strong and going over things with my therapist won't help. I know that.
To move on I need to collect everything that has hurt over the years and just erase it.
Or at least wrap it up really tight, in a box with 10 strong padlocks.
Of course when I say collect everything I mean memories of hurt, deceit, lies, and so on that linger in my head.

Can you get detoxes for the brain? Detoxes for hurt and to cleanse memories?

I guess the hardest thing will be sitting down, telling my therapist that actually I don't want to concentrate any of my precious sessions on this person, when her reply will predictably be "why?".
My response wants to be "because I don't want to waste any time talking about someone that doesn't matter anymore, and that I don't matter to anymore. It won't fix things and I'm moving on"
I fear tears will come instead and I will end up talking.

I really hope I can remain strong and find the strength to say "Let's just change the subject".