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27.2.13

If No One Else Saw It, Then It Didn't Happen



My weight is disgusting and an embarrassment right now. I can't blame having a baby and although I do play the breastfeeding + burning calories card a lot but let's be honest, although it might have some part to play in my feeling hungry all the time, it's certainly not the main reason.
Comfort eating. Binging. Gorging. Whatever you wish to call it. I do it. And I am losing control.
I try and stop myself, but if I'm having a tough time with the boys I find myself hiding in the kitchen eating something, anything, to make me feel better.
And does it? Yes. But only for the few minutes I'm doing it. And then I am left feeling fat and disgusting.

I feel heavy.
I feel big.
I feel dirty.
I feel ugly.
I feel embarrassed.
I feel humiliated.
I try to fight the urge but it takes over.
I have no control over it.

I find myself going back to the same thing.  
If no one else saw it, then it didn't happen
The boys of course don't count, they don't see what I'm doing as a negative thing. To them I guess I'm just eating.
But I'm not.
I'm not even hungry when I do it.
Or as soon as those hunger feelings kick in I fill my face, not waiting for dinnertime, for lunchtime, for a proper meal.
Even if it's only half an hour until lunch time or dinner time, I'll still do it. And then will eat whichever meal is planned or made.
I'm constantly thinking about food. When is the next meal and what will it be?
If we're going out for the day my first thought is "what will we do for food?"
Rather than throwing leftovers out I will eat them instead. In my head, it's better than wasting the food in the bin and wasting the money that we used to buy the food.

I can "Go Large" because I'm breastfeeding, or because I hadn't had breakfast, which I skip most days.

I look at myself in the mirror and can clearly see what food is doing to my body, my confidence and my appearance as a whole.
I am unapproachable.
I look at the other mum's at Jo Jingles. I am, or at least feel like, the biggest there.
I try to make an effort with how I dress, but you can only do so much when it's this body you are covering up.

My boys think I'm beautiful, which is so lovely, but I don't want them to see me like this and think I look pretty. I want to look better for them. I want to feel beautiful and to deserve their thoughts.

I have no willpower. And no money to spend on expensive diet groups like Slimming World and Weight Watchers.

My relationship with food is unhealthy and needs to change.
I just don't know how to do it.