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12.3.13

Sat Alone

I went to a breastfeeding cafe only once with Charles.
He was 13 months.
I went because I wanted support.
I wanted to be around women who thought me feeding my child past 12 months was normal.
He was the oldest child there, the rest were newborns, up to around 4 months.


I walked in, and sat down at a table. No one else was sitting there. The other 3 tables were surrounded by other mums. With no spare seats.
They looked at me and looked away.
It was clear they were not ready for anyone else to join in their little group.

I tried making conversation as we drifted around the room. Charles exploring this new room and the outside.
I didn't get very far. It was clear that I wasn't welcome by the other mums.

The only conversation I got was from the breastfeeding councillors and the nursery nurse.
But then it was clear that they could see that we didn't fit in and that we weren't accepted.

I made my excuses after 45 minutes and left. Promising to go the following week.
I didn't go again.

Maybe that is why I don't want to go to the WI alone tonight.
The fear of this repeating.
Except this time I won't have my comfort blanket.
My children.

I won't have an excuse to run away.

I'll be stuck there. Alone.
Sat there, alone.
With the only conversation being that of pity.

Why does everything have to be so hard?