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27.5.13

A Big Pile of Yuk

That would be me.
A big pile of yuk.
I don't recognise myself. I feel ashamed. I feel sorry for my family.
I feel like I've let everyone down.

I keep having breakdowns, because of how I look.
And I don't know what to do about it.
I just want to be me again.
To be confident.
To be proud of a family photo rather than feeling ashamed because I ruin them.

I want to feel pretty. I want to look pretty.
I don't want to continue walking around feeling like everyone is looking at me and thinking "yuk!"

I don't want to keep dreading meeting up with people and seeing people because I know they'll notice my weight.
Instantly be hit with how big I am, or how much bigger I have become since they last saw me.

I don't want to be thin.
I just want to be normal.
I want to have the motivation, willpower and energy to do something about this.

I want to be in control.

I feel totally out of control.

I feel disgusting.

I hate that I have to put a disclaimer, but I'm not doing this for attention. I'm not doing this for people to tell me I look ok. I'm writing it because I can't keep it locked in my head any longer.