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21.5.13

A Clear Rejection...

Promise and Lie have almost the same meaning to me.
Ever since I was around 15 I have experienced so many lies. And so many broken promises.
And it's ok.
Except really, it's not ok.
Lie's are not ok.
Lies are horrible, hurtful, and can cause a lot of damage.
And so can broken promises.
But those saying the lies, or breaking the promises, don't realise the hurt they cause.
The damage they cause.
And later will question why you have changed.
Because they don't understand what they have done wrong.

Which is quite sad really, isn't it?
We experienced lies from my dad before, during and after he left us.
And that wasn't ok. We were left confused. Even now, 13 years on there is still a huge amount of confusion. And I think, from me, there is a confusion over how someone I loved so much, and cared for and admired so much, could lie to me the way he did. He made promises when he married my mum, which he broke, and I believe that when you become a parent you make certain promises.
You don't have to stand in front of a church or room full of people and make a declaration. You don't have to say those promises out loud for everyone to hear, to sign your name on an official document to say that you will stick by those promises.
The promises you make to your children are unwritten.
They are obvious, and unwritten. You don't need to say them.
I don't need to write them here, because we know what they are.
You don't even need to be a parent to know the promises.

But when a parent breaks those promises, not just once, but a few times, over a number of years, you can't help but feel confused.
You beat yourself up.
Why am I not good enough?
Why doesn't he love me?
Why are they better than me?
What can I do to change?
Why do I keep chasing him?
And you confront him, and he tells you he loves you.
He tells you he is proud of you.
He tells you he'll make the effort.
And then once again, you are beating yourself up.

A never ending cycle.

It would be ok if maybe it was just your one parent doing this.
But when friends do it too, you really do feel confused.

You open your heart out. Tell them your inner most secrets and feelings.
You trust them.
Maybe too easily.
I tend to take people into my heart too easily I think. And maybe that is my problem.
But then why should it be?
How long do you need to be friends with someone until you let them in?

I don't know you. Yet writing this, and you reading it, means I'm letting you in, right?

And I'm ok with that, because this isn't too personal.
And I haven't gone into too much detail.

I figure that right now I will always find it hard to trust everyone.
To believe promises.
And I hope that one day I am able to see a promise and a lie with two completely opposite meanings.