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2.5.13

Different Directions and Tangled Ribbons

Imagine inside your head there are shoe laces, no imagine ribbons, they are prettier, and softer.
Ok, imagine inside your head there are ribbons. An assortment of colours, lengths, thickness, all beautiful and lovely.
Each ribbon represents a thought, an idea, a problem, a plan. Of course, there are lots of ribbons. And I'm sure we'd love all of the ribbons to be in a neat order, straight lines. Each easy to identify, pick up and sort out of they get muddled and slightly tangled.

Lost, or still with me?

Anyway. Since the end of March I've started to feel like my ribbons are getting tangled, and in some cases a little knotted.
I'm not quite sure how to stop it, fix it and straighten everything out. 
It's ok for one or two tangles. But knots are not ok.

I have a lot of things going on. 
Charles' birthday NEXT MONTH!
BritMums Live! NEXT MONTH. I keep feeling as though I want to back out and just not go. Thankfully having a Sponsor is giving me the encouragement and push to go.
Harry's birthday in July.
A couple of commitments I could really do without which are causing me nothing but stress and worry, and I wish I could back out.
I'm annoyed at family members who I feel are letting our boys down and depriving them of relationships which should be easy to fulfil.
Charles is starting school in September and making arrangements for that is so overwhelming.

An opportunity came up for something I've wanted to do for a long time, and at first I was really excited, until I spotted a massive obstacle.
It's going back to the "I couldn't" and "I wouldn't" post I wrote as part of my A-Z Challenge.
I *could* do this, and face the obstacle head on, take a risk and everything end up ok.
But at the same time I *could* do this and face the obstacle head on and everything not end up ok. 
I have to think about myself, and what's right for me and at the moment I have to step back, back down and realise it's just not my time yet. 

Since the 1st of April I've been updating my blog everyday as part of the A-Z Challenge. I don't just want to be a "mummy blog". That's not all I am so why should my blog be the same.
I also realised, in the last 2 weeks, that my children aren't as remembered or noticeable as the majority of others and it really hurt and for that reason I decided to protect them a little more. 
What's the point in writing about something so forgettable? 
Especially when I'm really opening up and sharing a lot about my family. 
Especially when I'm writing about two people I love so dearly.
It's not a rant, just a personal observation, and proof to me that I need to think about what I want to do, where I want to go, because if the people reading about my children aren't the people I thought were reading about them, then who is?
I started it as somewhere for *me* to write about *me*. My thoughts, my life. Just little things to keep me company as a housewife.
I didn't know about this massive community when I started.
My blog name gives me plenty of room to write about anything. So, although I want to talk about the boys, of course I do, 
I also want to talk about other things too. And make it more about me, rather than just about us.
I just need to work out how to get it to where I want it to be.

I recently looked into BlogLovin properly and have fallen in love with it!
Before I was only following one blog as I didn't really get what BlogLovin was about. I kept up to date with my favourite blogs via the blogroll in my sidebar, but with quite a list of favourite blogs I couldn't exactly list them all!
Whilst looking on BlogLovin it suggested some "top blogs" to me and I was intrigued by one in particular.
Well, never before has an addiction to someones blog happened quicker than this! Not only is she a blogger but she's also a vlogger/youtubber.
Since following her I've also found two or three other bloggers/vloggers and am completely hooked by them!
It's given me the confidence to plough ahead and make this what I want it to be. Subtle changes and you probably won't notice them. Writing about the things I like, the things I enjoy, going back to being me and making me happy rather than other people.

So after that brain dump, and now a lighter head and a weight off my shoulders, I need to go out and enjoy the sunshine with my biggest boy whilst the smallest one has a much needed nap.