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27.6.13

Living In Your Own Truman Show.

Do you ever feel like you are in your own Truman Show?
Like everyone around you is an actor, trying to make you crack. Driving you mad and just trying to make life hard for you.

Part of me really hopes that this is what is going on in my life. That I am just part of this tv show, because surely so many people can't treat one person the way I am treated?
I know other people have a hard time in life. Harder than mine.
But I constantly feel that once I get comfortable with people, in touching distance of a real friendship, having that feeling  of trust, of WOW this is what friendship is really like, something gets in the way and BOOM, that friendship is over.

I have been so incredibly unlucky when it comes to friends in the past. I open up a lot. I'm not needy. In fact I'm a bloody good friend.
I let people vent to me when they need to, despite whatever else is going on in my life.
I let them share the negative points in their life, and accept it when they don't want to share the positives too.
I'm there when they want to vent about other people. Be incredibly two faced and bitchy, and I watch when they then suck up to the person they've just been moaning to me about.
And I say nothing.
I accept it.
Because I'm a good friend.

I try to protect people, but then I'm the bad one. 
I don't want people to be hurt, I don't want them to look stupid.
But then I end up being the one hurt. And the one who looks stupid.

But then it comes to the point where I don't want to be like that anymore.
I need more than that and I deserve more than that.

I deserve a real friendship.
For people to want to be friends with me. And not just use me for their convenience.
To not put all of this heaviness on my shoulders and in my head.
To give me the respect and kindness I deserve.
At least I think I deserve it?

I feel the the whole world is watching me. Laughing.
Ready to attack me.
But I haven't done anything wrong.
I'm always the nice one.
Yet I'm the one left to one side.
Left out in the cold.
Pushed out.

Whilst I watch on. Despite knowing what's been said behind closed doors.
And it's then that my head clouds up. Gets heavy. Gets confused.
Has it all been a test? The whole time?
What do people really want from me?

Is everyone in on it?
Is anyone genuine?

Does anyone actually like me?

Will I ever experience a promise which is kept?
Will I ever experience a true feeling of trust, and of someone actually caring about me?

Will this tv show ever end?