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17.7.13

Coming to the End

I didn't want to write about this. Funnily enough I can write about my anxiety issues, other things in my personal life and feel fine to be so open, but this feels too personal to talk about.
But this week is horrid. And I think the migraine I have suffered all day is due to the emotional bomb ticking in my head, exploding every now and then, resetting itself ready for the next day and getting bigger and bigger.

My little Charles is leaving preschool.
And although I am fine with him going to big boy school, well as fine as I can be, there are certain things I am dreading but he is SO excited and so ready for the next step in education and learning that I know it's right for him.
But the issue with this week is him leaving preschool. And as ready as he is to leave I feel so sad. So broken hearted.
The staff there are amazing. Absolutely amazing.
He has best friends there.
Yes I know, I could try and keep in touch with their parents but it's easier said than done with school holidays, other siblings, and working parents.
On Thursday he will say Goodbye to one of the friends. And it breaks my heart that he will be saying goodbye for the last time.
And that they don't really understand.
I wish I could fix things so that his friend was a little older (he is a year younger so not starting big school until 2014) and was going to the same school as Charles.

Anyway. Just thinking of it makes me so sad.

I know Charles will get over it, in fact he doesn't seem at all bothered now. Although I think maybe he doesn't quite understand that he won't see these friends again, or his keyworker who he absolutely loves.
Yes he may forget about them.
But I won't.
These special ladies, and special children, who have meant the world to him. These people who have made my son laugh, giggle and smile.
These people who have made him so excited about preschool. So excited to see them everyday.
So excited to learn new things, to play silly games, to be creative.

Today he has his end of school party.
We go at the end to hear a few songs they've been practising for us.
I wonder how anyone will hear over my sobbing.
As I walked into the preschool Monday I burst into tears when the manager asked how I was. I then made her cry by telling her I was upset at Charles leaving.
I had to tear myself away, I didn't want to leave.
And I've spent the past two days crying at silly little things.

It may sound like I'm over-reacting, but I honestly don't know how to pull myself together enough to get him to school the next three days, and to pick him up.
He see's me crying, I tell him why I cry, I'm not into hiding emotions and the reasons behind them so I won't lie to him.
In fact, when a group of boys saw me crying on Monday they laughed at me, then showed off the bruises and grazes they had all gained over the weekend, trying to out-do each other. Which really made me laugh.

Charles has brought home his snack mat, and a couple of paintings, a certificate and this, one of the proudest and cutest photos of him I have (photo of a photo, hence the quality).
Grab the tissues, hold my hand tight, lets go.