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27.8.13

I Don't Have To Be The Target {Kirsty from MyTwoMums}


The second of my guest posts this week comes from someone who I count as a close friend, thanks to blogging.
I started talking to Kirsty from My Two Mums before Britmums, just as I would with any other Twitter-er or blogger but at the conference I really hit it off with her and her wife Clara.
Kirsty has been an amazing friend and I know if I need cheering up and to be positive she is someone I can go to.
I really admire her positivity and wanted to know how she stays positive even when faced with situations that aren't particularly easy or pleasant.

When I came out, I felt that comments I received from strangers on the street were just part of being gay. 

One evening after work, when I was a teenager, I asked my dad to shave my head. At the time, to me, hair was something that grew back. I didn't give a second thought to what comments I would receive. 

Several weeks later, whilst in a restaurant with my mum, a table of grown adults (at least physically) sat loudly discussing me and making jokes. I was less than 4ft from them. 

I was embarrassed and angry, not for me, but for my mum. My mum couldn't actually hear them properly, but I could. I heard them refer to me as a fat man, due to my size and their views that short hair equals a man. I was worried it would ruin my mums night. We never went out for dinner on our own and these poorly behaved people, were ruining it. The rest of the meal I tried making myself as small as possible. I felt that if I could appear small in my mind, they would stop. They didn't and eventually we left. 

That night I realised I'd been pretending that people's words didn't hurt me. But rather than see them as the ones with the issue, I felt it was me. I thought that I brought it upon myself. Sometimes others even told me I brought it upon myself. I wore mens clothes, had a shaved head and tattoos, so therefore I was making myself a target. 

For many years I was lead to believe that if anyone made a comment, looked at me with disgust or shouted "lesbian" across the road at me, that it was my fault for making myself a victim. 

Several years later, with a Mohawk, still wearing mens clothes and definitely higher up the butch spectrum than the femme, I met the woman who would change my world. 

She loved me for me, she never asked me to change (even though she hated my hair) and she allowed me space to discover a way to like myself. 

It was shortly before I met Clara, that I discovered the law of attraction. Which, if you're not familiar, is a process of the universe mirroring your emotions and desires. There are many good books out there to read, if you wish to know more specifically about the LOA, one being the best selling, The Secret. But in short, the universe provides what you ask for, as long as you believe you are worthy, are positive and allow the universe to mirror you. 

When I met C, I wrote three things on a piece of paper and placed them in a lightbox in my room.

1 - Clara would fall in love with me

2 - We would have a long, happy relationship

3 - I would find a job I loved to do. 

By the time C and I married, I was pretty convinced of the power of the Universe. 

I was still receiving the odd comment and negative attitude from strangers. But I started to realise I wasn't targeting my positivity towards those who made comments. Instead I still felt I kind of deserved them...... And that was where I was going wrong

I started to write a list of affirmations and things I was grateful for. I felt better about myself and started to see that I didn't deserve these ignorant comments. The issue wasn't me, the issue was with those sharing negativity. I was feeding this negativity with my sadness which in turn was drawing more negativity towards me. 

I'm not saying the comments have stopped or that I don't get odd looks every now and then. But being more positive in myself, has stopped me reacting to their negativity and allowed me to see the positivity I am surrounded by each day. 

I like to look for those happy moments, the little things people say and do that are usually missed, as most people get to the end of their day and talk about all the crappy things that have happened.

Looking at life this way has changed me, I can make my own day a good day and trust me, it's so much more fun to have a good day. 

** I'm not telling you to ignore hateful comments like homophobia, racism or other threatening behaviour. These things must be dealt with! **