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30.8.13

Why I Won't Be Trying For A Daughter {Jenny aka Mummy Mishaps}

I remember as clear as anything when I first became aware of Jenny on Twitter, and then finding her blog. I was sat in my bedroom, pregnant with Harry and she had just given birth to Jenson, her second son. I noticed a similar (although smaller) age gap between her boys and mine and was interested to see how her life and family dynamic was about to change with a second boy coming along.
I've met Jenny a couple of times and really feel like I know her, and even more, feel like I know her boys Burton and Jenson despite never actually meeting them.
Jenny blogs at Mummy Mishaps, and writes about her life as a mum and as an amazing baker!


When I dreamt of getting pregnant and having a baby of my own, I have to be honest and own up to the fact that I never envisaged having a baby boy. I always saw myself having a little girl who would have dark hair and deep brown eyes. A daughter. My daydream continues........ and as a toddler and young girl I saw her with a dark brown bobbed hair cut complete with a fringe and she would be dressed in red (I am not really a pink kinda gal). My beautiful little Scarlett - oh yes for this is the name I had chosen for her when I was about ten years old after watching my all time favourite heroine in my all time favourite film, Gone With The Wind. I think I thought it would be nice to have a daughter because she and I would have more things in common than a son would; a friend for me, someone who would enjoy shopping, watching chick flicks and doing girly things with me. I  imagined that I would have a girl first and then a boy second, my little Joshua (named after the lead character in the film Big).

Isn't it amazing what you can make up in your head??

Maybe I assumed and imagine that by having a child of each sex you get the best of both worlds?
I have a brother myself and so maybe I wanted what I grew up with and was familiar with? Or maybe I just envisaged that having one of each was the "perfect" 2.4 children scenario to have and was what everyone wanted and desired.

For anyone who doesn't already know me and my blog, my name is Jenny and I am the proud mummy to two gorgeous boys. Yes boys !! They are healthy, beautiful, happy and perfect, in my eyes anyway, and I honestly couldn't ask for anything more. Yes, I did initially hope that my unborn baby was a girl when I first discovered I was pregnant, but that 'thought' only lasted a few weeks. If anyone asked me what I hoped I was having I did answer 'a girl' to begin with, but after a couple of months my answer changed to 'well it would be nice to have a girl, but as long as it is healthy I really do not mind'. Afterall,  the most important consideration was that above all, I just longed for a healthy baby, boy or girl.  Despite my initial 'I hope I have a daughter' thoughts, I was sensible enough to realise that in reality the sex of a baby is not important actually, but that it has no complications is.

During both of my pregnancies, my boyfriend and I didn't find out the sex of either of our unborn babies. However, I knew they were both boys - I just had that 'feeling' I guess. Almost everyone who saw me with either of my bumps would say the same - I was all out at the front. With Burton I even had dreams where I had a baby boy! The moment I held my newborn baby for the first time, discovering its true sex was actually furthest from my mind in the end, I was just so elated to be a mummy at last, and to have given birth to a health baby. And that my labour was finally over! The fact that he was a boy didn't really come in to it - it was a baby, my baby and he was healthy; beautiful and had all his fingers, toes, limbs etc...That was all I really cared about when it came down to it; what I was relieved to know and what I considered to be most important.

While pregnant for the second time, the sex of that baby inevitably became a topic up for discussion during the 9 months I carried it. To me I knew again it would be another boy - not only because it was a very similar pregnancy and I was all out at the front again - but also because I kind of sensed it again. I was pleased at the thought of another boy in a way because having had Burton I knew what having one was like, I felt knowledgeable about boys now!  I know I had nothing to compare him against, having had no experience of being a mummy to a girl, but I figured two boys would grow up close, have more things in common and become best friends too hopefully. Again, as soon as I held my second newborn baby in my arms, being told his sex by the midwife was not my focus I was just blessed that I had given birth to another perfect little human being.

What shocked me, was that not long after having Jenson I was asked if we would try for another baby.

Random person/family member/friend:  "So, will you be trying for another baby then?"

Me: "No. Two is enough and two is all I ever wanted."

Random person/family member/friend: "Oh so you don't want to try for a girl then?"

Me: "No!"

Random person/family member/friend: "Oh, but if you knew you would have a girl, would you then?"

Me: "No!"

Honestly, what is this obsession with people thinking that because you have two children of the same sex, they think you are missing out on not having a child of a different gender. If I had one of each sex I suppose I might still get asked if we would be having another child, but I don't think it would then lead on to what sex we would be trying to obtain!

Try for a girl? Why would I feel the need to do this? Aren't two children enough? Isn't two boys considered as being sufficient?

Clearly not in some peoples minds. My boys are all I know and they are wonderful and never cease to amaze me. If I had to girls instead or the elusive son and daughter scenario, I would feel exactly the same way about them too of course I would. But just because I don't have a daughter people almost feel sorry for me, like I am missing out on something. Yet I really am not, at least if I am then I have no idea what it is or how I am meant to feel about it!!

I know from speaking with other Mums on twitter, who have two sons or two daughters that I am not alone in having been asked about trying for another child of a different gender. Like me, they also feel that their lives would not be made any better by adding to it just in case they ended up having a baby of the opposite sex and that this would make their family unit perfect. Of course some parents to same sex children do choose to have a third child and they are blessed with having a baby of the other gender, and obviously they are elated and pleased and feel this little new member of their family has completed it. However, had those same parents had another baby of the same gender I am confident they would feel exactly the same way.

Would a daughter make my family complete, perfect even?

The answer is, it wouldn't. My family is fine as it is and having a daughter would not make it any better. If - and this is an if, don't get excited, - but if I accidentally found myself pregnant again and it was a girl then she would be a very welcome addition to our family of course she would, and I would love her just as much as I do my boys. However, if it turned out to be a boy, he would be just as welcome and loved as much. I honestly do not intend ever getting pregnant again. Having two children whatever their sex is hard going and tiring and challenging and two is all I want. My two amazing boys who make me proud to be their mummy. But who also knacker me out. Yeah, two children is all I want, and two boys suit me fine, thanks very much!

I honestly do not feel I am missing out by not having a daughter. Having a daughter is not what would complete my family. However, my boys complete me and I love and thank them for that every single day.