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6.9.13

No Longer A Baby, Now.

Four years, two months and twenty three days old, to be exact. That's how old my baby now is.
No longer a baby, although in my heart he always will be.
Now though, he is a little boy, ready to take on his new adventure, new challenges and new discoveries, as he enters the big world of education.

As much as emotionally it's breaking me, I am managing to keep strong, for him, and because it's the best thing to do. Why breakdown over something that's going to happen eventually.
We were given a choice, send him now, full time, or part time, or keep him home or at preschool until he has to go when he turns 5.
We made the choice to send him. Knowing it will be better for him to start now.
No holding him back, but not sending him into something he isn't ready for or can't handle.

Inside I don't want him to spend time with any other woman than me. I am jealous.
I want to teach him everything.
I want to be the one doing the simple things he may struggle with like opening his packet of crisps, or peeling an orange, or getting the lid off his water bottle to refill it.
I want to be there to see his little face light up as he learns something new and exciting.
I want to be the first one to see his works of art, the first one to read his stories, the first one to tell him he has done really well.
I want to be the one to comfort him if he hurts himself, to wipe away the dirt from his knees and the tears from his face.

But I can't. And instead I get to hear about the new things he has learnt. The way he has remember them, and adapted them to his own way of learning and remembering.
I get to look forward to seeing the finished creations. His excited little face as he proudly shows me his artwork and his stories.
As he proudly tells me that his teacher told him how well he had done.
I may not be there to wipe away the dirt, and wipe away the tears, but a belated kiss on any cut or graze is better than none at all.

I get to wave him off every morning, with a big smile on my face,watching him run towards his friends ready for todays new adventures.
I get to stand outside the school gates, waiting with butterflies for my boy Excited to hear what he has been learning, the new friends he has made, what he has played, and which stories his teachers read to him that day.
I get to watch him running towards me, with arms open as I pick him up and give him massive cuddle.
I get to watch his baby brothers excited face as he waits patiently for his best friend. Shouting his name. Excited to wrap his arms around his brother, to give him a squeeze and probably falling to the floor in a heap as they usually do.
On the outside I will be smiling.
On the inside I will be crying.
My heart filled with excitement, love, pride and a pinch of sadness.

How did my baby get so big? How is he ready for his?
My four year, two month, and twenty three days old boy.
No longer a baby.
Now a school boy.