Do people think I'm fat, scruffy, pretty, ugly?
Do they think I have a funny accent, or do they notice the fact that my tongue is too big for my mouth (really!) and that it causes me to speak funny sometimes?
Do people think I am a good mummy, a bad mummy or a lazy mummy?
Do people think I'm mature, childish, intelligent or stupid?
Do people think I'm a good friend, or a bad friend, or not good enough to be their friend?
Do people think the photographs I take are rubbish, or good, or really good?
The list goes on....
Recently I've had doubts over my blog.
Last week I was pretty much ready to give up. I'd had enough.
I reached out for support on Instagram and had some really lovely people gave me a little kick up the bottom, but a doubt was still in my mind. Friday was going to be the end.
I would never delete my blog, but I was pretty certain that I would stop right there. No more posts.
Then I reminded myself of what I would say to someone in the same position as me.
Who cares if people don't like you?
Who cares if people don't like what you write?
They don't have to read.
No one is forced to read your blog. And if anyone complains about what you write, well, that's their problem because you are not sitting them down and forcing them to like every single thing you write.
I have a few people who like my blog, and like what I write, and although it may be a teeny tiny number (we're talking under 10) that's still more people than I ever expected to even read this anyway.
So I carried on.
Someone recently advised me, when I doubted myself, to "up my game" and that kept going round in my head.
For months I've been planning on starting to write about beauty. Something I've always been interested in, stemming from my days working at Boots and Superdrug, and way before that too.
It was something I lost when I became a mother. I didn't have time to keep doing my make up nice everyday, I didn't have the money to keep buying the latest products, and I didn't have the time, or patient enough child, to be able to browse various cosmetic stands.
Back in April I took photos of products I had fallen in love with, I edited them and was really really proud of them. I stuck the photos on posts and placed them in drafts, ready to add text, but then doubt crept in.
Would anyone think I'm good enough or worthy enough to write about this stuff?
I didn't start out writing about it so why am I writing about it now?
Would anyone read those posts?
Is anyone interested?
Will everyone think I'm writing about products I've been sent to review, or will they be interested in items I felt good enough to purchase with my own money?
And those posts have stayed in drafts, until this morning when I finally posted about the Maybelline Color Show Nail Polishes.
I've just decided to accept that people won't like me, won't like what I write, might not think I am worthy enough to write about certain things, won't think I'm a good enough photographer to be able to host a weekly photography series, won't think I'm a good enough mother, won't think my children are good enough, won't think I am worthy enough to win a blog award, but, what does it really matter?
If I can't do anything about it then why worry about it?
I can't make people like me, I can't make people think a certain way about me, or my children, or anything I do.
I want to write about beauty, I want to write about crafts and lifestyle.
I want to write about things that make me ME. Not just focusing on my children, because I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. I'm more than that and I want my blog to be more than that.
I'm slowly learning the art of not caring.
Turning my mind onto things I really do care about.
Turning off the things I don't.
And walking away from things that really don't matter.
And it actually feels quite good.