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8.10.13

Trigger

For years I've fought this force in my head.
A force of doubt, anxiety, fear, questions and depression.
I've worked hard to over come it, to fight it. To make it smaller than I am, rather than it towering over me.
I get to a point where we are at this equal size. Almost like we've reached a compromise. Not perfect but enough to live with. I slowly manage to get a little bit bigger...
And then....

Bang.
Right into my heart.
Right into my head.
Into my blood.
My whole body.

A trigger sets it off.
And I'm back to the beginning.
I doubt everything. And everyone. I doubt myself. I doubt my worth.     
I question my sanity.     
I wonder if I'm imagining all this stuff.
This stuff I can't talk about.

I'm gagged.

Sometimes it feels like I'm part of a game. I'm a victim. And I don't want to play it anymore. I quit. But I can't. Because I don't have a choice.

I get headaches and I think it's down to tiredness, so I go to bed early. Except it doesn't go away when I sleep. People are in my dreams. Things happen that I don't want to happen. And I can't wait to wake up.
But when I do the headaches are still there. And the dream niggles away.
They just seem so real. 

And I just want to scream but the screams aren't heard.
They never will be.
I'm a liar.

I'm fed up with fighting.
I'm fed up with doubting people in my life.
Wondering who I can trust. Who is really there for me.
It's not fair for me, and it's not fair for them.

I wonder what the point is of fighting this. When it's never going to go away.
It's here forever.
I can't do anything about it.

Other people are stronger than me. They can get others on their side. They can win.
I can't. I'm just this drama queen. This person who will never ever be good enough.
Who, no matter what, will be doing something wrong.
Always the enemy.
I don't count.

What if everyone I've ever trusted is against me? What if it's all fake?
Why do I need to feel like this all the time?

I just want a normal head.
Lighter.
Easier to live with.
But I never will.