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5.1.14

End of an Era {The Ordinary Moments}

One of the things I love about The Ordinary Moments linky is that it reminds me of little things that I may not notice or appreciate normally.
It's one thing I always admired about Katie when I would see her mention things on her blog, Twitter or Instagram, and the fact that she then made a linky out of it was lovely because it encouraged me and quite a few others to do the same.

The other thing I love about this linky is that once you've thought of one Ordinary Moment, it straight away makes you think of other moments and before you know it you have 4 weeks worth of posts scheduled (or maybe that's just me?).

So sitting down to write my post(s) I had a clear idea of what sort of things to write. There was one thing I considered writing about but I kept dismissing it as I didn't think it was that important and I think without realising it, it was something I just didn't want to address or talk about.
Then when I mentioned it to a friend the other day I burst into tears, and I had a sick feeling in my tummy. That was enough for me to realise how much it actually means to me, and meant to me.

What am I talking about exactly?

This Ordinary Moment for me, something I've done everyday since 2009 (other than a short break between January and June 2011), has now stopped.
I didn't realise it would be so hard to write about, or so hard to talk about. I think maybe because in my heart I'm not ready to stop.
I don't really know why I have stopped.
I've been questionning myself as to why I made the decision. I always said I would wait until he was ready, and he is still asking for it. Whether or not it's down to habit or because he really wants to, or because he knows it makes me laugh as he cuddles up, sticks a hand down my top, looks me in the eyes and says "peeease, peeeease".

We're so used to me sitting down and him coming over for a cuddle and it automatically becoming a feed. Yes, even at almost 2 and a half.

I don't know what has made me stop.
Do I want to? Not really.
Does he want to? Not really.
Do we need to? Not really.
Does it feel right? Not really.
Do I feel happy about it? Not really?
Do I feel sad about it? Absolutely.
Do I feel heartbroken? Absolutely.

So why not just carry on? It's been a week since he last had any milk, and then it was a quick comfort feed when he woke during a night terror.
As I said he has tried to have milk but I've somehow been able to distract him, but I can't work out what gave me the feeling to need to do that.

We haven't fed in public for a long time, I feel that at his age I would just be encouraging comments from people and I've managed to only have one negative(ish) comment (to my face) about breastfeeding and I certainly didn't want to end in a bad way so made the decision to avoid that as much as possible.

I feel a bit lost with it all. Kind of like it is out of my control even though it was me who made the decision. Yet at the same time I feel completely heartbroken that this one thing that only I could give him, only I could provide him with, is no longer happening. He won't need me as much. He can get comforting cuddles from anyone, but he couldn't get comforting feeds from just anyone before.

Breaking from our routine will be our biggest test. After the school run I come home, grab a coffee and sit on the sofa with Harry to have a "milky cug" as we call them. Except we won't be doing this when Charles returns to school. It might seem silly to some, but it's so routine, so normal, so ordinary to us to do this and I guess breastfeeding has always been a comfort to me as much as it has to the boys.

I can't believe my breastfeeding experience is now over.
I know I have done amazing with both boys what with Charles having tongue tie, having it cut at day 8 and then feeding him for 18 months, only stopping because I was pregnant and my milk supply was really low. Harry was then extremely lazy with latching and didn't really want to work for his milk. He seemed to just want to let the milk pour into his mouth rather than to actually suck it in. He earned the nickname Harry Larry Lazy Latch for a while and eventually we got there.

I thought when I'd finish it would be a celebration of how well we'd done.
A celebration of not more worrying about what I'm wearing and make sure we had easy access.
A celebration of not having to sit in the corner or out of the way a bit so I could feed discreetly if needed.

I know I just have to get on and that there's no point in thinking about it, but I never knew it would feel like such a big thing to me.



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