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27.3.14

Am I Brave?

When I write about mental health, my mental health to be exact, I don't feel brave. I don't feel strong.
I just write it. Because it helps me.
Writing it all down is a release from it being on my mind, and on my shoulders. I can feel a weight being lifted and that feels good.
I don't think about who could read it. I don't think about it being on the internet for whoever to see. I just think about how much it helps me to write it down, no matter how personal it is.

I've said a few times before, I'm not ashamed about my mental health problems.
What is there to be ashamed about?
I didn't cause them, and they are not a result of anything I have done wrong in life.
It's just something that has happened and something I have to learn to deal with and cope with in whichever way I can.

It's not easy living with it. It's unpredictable and that can be the hardest thing.
Going to bed on a high and wondering if I will wake up in that happy mood the next day.
Going to bed feeling so low and wondering if I will wake up that down the next day.
I know everyone can wake up in a bad mood, or not feeling quite right, but when it comes to depression, I think the feeling of "how long will it last this time?" is the scariest thing.
And how it not only affects you, but everyone around you.
You can't just snap out of it. Or have some chocolate to get over it.
It's within you all the time, like an active volcano waiting to erupt, and you don't know how severe it will be.

It's scary knowing that anything, small or large, can put you back in that low, dark place. The place you can go to so easily but struggle so hard to get out of.
Something so insignificant to others. That even you can look at and say "don't get wound up by it" will still affect you.

The thing that gets me through is people saying I've helped them. Or that they've felt the same and that reading what I am going through makes them feel better.
It makes it all worth it, the sharing.
I do worry about sharing it sometimes, mostly because of what people might think of me, rather than the actual subject of what I am sharing.

If I can make people aware of mental health, and how people suffer from it, then that makes writing about it even more important.
If I can make someone feel they are not alone, then it makes it even more important.

I don't necessarily feel brave or strong, but the fact that some see me as that is quite wonderful.