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11.3.14

And That's What I Shall Do.

A couple of months ago I went to see my doctor. Mainly to address my anxiety and at this point we decided to accept that yes, depression is present too, despite my denial and unwillingness to acknowledge it.

My doctor is fantastic, I can talk to him about anything and he will say the right thing in most cases.
When I told him that I think everyone is looking at me thinking "Gosh, she's fat" or "Gosh, she looks awful" he asked me how I knew and said maybe I should just ask them.

We talked about my need to please people. To make people happy.
Particularly online I think. It's an odd world to be part of.
Wonderfully odd, being able to mix with and communicate with people you would never have talked to in real life. People above you in terms of class, or maybe even below you.
People you would look at in real life and maybe turn your nose up at them, don't deny it, we've all done it. Or maybe people you would look at and think "she would NEVER talk to me."

I am so desperate to be in with those people that I think are above me. To be recognised by them, to be accepted and noticed by them.
I don't think it's bad to strive to be better than you are, and I'd like to think I am realistic. I know I can be that person. I can be like them, I know we could be good friends.

But the more I try, the more I watch them, the more I get to know them, the more I think I am wasting my time. And I think I need to step back and think about me. Pleasing me, and taking care of my own feelings rather than theirs.

In life we have certain experiences with people. These are things others may not see. Things said or done in private. Things done openly that others are blind too, or maybe think is acceptable when really, it isn't.

When you then warn others of this behaviour, and they ignore you, or brush it under the carpet. What are you supposed to do?
Continue and seem like an obsessed crazy person?
Or do you step back, and watch, and wait for the day the realisation kicks in? If it ever does?
What if the person you warned accepts that behaviour? Is made to look like a fool by their peers?
What if that person won't listen to you because in reality, they like the attention they are getting from this person?
They like the drama it causes elsewhere?

You can try your best to step back and to just accept that the friendship was never meant to be. But it's hard online.
It's hard because it's always there. In your face.
You can't help but to feel laughed at. To feel like your warnings are seen as jealous behaviour.
You've kept so much to yourself and it eats away at you. Inside.
It hurts.
You try to walk away from this online life but why should you?
You create your own space, this place that is yours.
Why should anyone ruin it?
Why should you allow them to ruin it?

I have been quite strong in real life, breaking away from family relationships and friendships that drain me and make me feel in a way I shouldn't.
Of course it was hard but it was the right thing to do.
Yet online, it doesn't seem to work with everyone.
Some you can break away from, in a certain sense because they will always be there in some form.
But with others, it's hard to accept that they will never be the person you want them to be, or never see you as the person you want them to see you as.
They see you as a number.

The best thing to do, although really really tough, is to realise that maybe, YOU are too good for THEM.
Looking at the ones around you who do think you are good enough. Who fit into your everyday perfectly. Who you don't have to fight so hard to please or to be noticed by.
The ones who like you for you.

My doctor told me to think of myself and my feelings more.
And that's what I shall do.