After a while of really trying to be upbeat and positive, trying desperately to change my thinking, trying to put effort into life and everything around me to be better and be happier today I am struggling.
I feel rubbish, pants and a bit down. 'Meh' being my favourite word to describe this feeling.
I can't put my finger on one thing. It's a few things grouped together to make this big 'meh' feeling. And I need to shake it off. I hate it. I feel uncomfortable. I feel angry at letting it take over.
I finally got myself a vanity URL last night and I thought I would feel really happy and excited about it. Instead I feel a bit "what's the big deal?". It seems like such hard work and a lot of little faffy things that I kind of regret doing it. Almost, "what was the point in that?". I guess I expected to have a settled feeling, a feeling of doing the right thing, but I haven't got that.
I feel I am constantly at war with Charles' school at the moment over litter. It's frustrating me so much, and actually upsetting me so much, that I get extremely stressed and worked up when it is time to take him or collect him. I keep trying to convince myself that actually I am overreacting but.....it's my sons school! I wouldn't take him to a park with overflowing bins and with the same crisp packets blowing around for weeks, or months judging by the discoloured Ready Salted pack.
I've felt ignored by the school when I have complained and feel that although in most areas they are doing really well and I am pleased with how Charles is being taught, they are really lacking in the cleanliness of the outside area. Full of excuses, without actually admitting that their caretaker is simply useless and lazy.
I feel not good enough, not worthy enough in a lot of areas. Blogging mainly but is this just an overall feeling we all get? Maybe.
I feel I'm not part of anything.
So many people seem paired up, or in a group and I feel like I am back in school again as I try to float from group to group to secure a place and to be noticed. And accepted. Or to be told to just go away.
I feel confused over where I stand with certain people. Hearing from them for a while and then.....nothing.....then back in touch then......nothing. Mixed messages and constant wondering what it is they want? Friendship? Or just the satisfaction of being able to have someone waiting for them all the time.
Wondering if these people actually like me or just want me there because they know I like them and would do anything to be friends with them. Knowing that I look up to them almost kind of worship them....there, I said it.
I feel a little lost, out of control and not sure how to let all of this go. To think of me. To not be bothered by other people, to not worry about being part of a group, but it's hard to not be bothered by it and to not let it get to you. To not notice what is, or isn't, going on around you.
I wish I could take a step back. Not be bothered by those feelings. Not wanting to be bothered about not feeling accepted or wanted, or noticed or just plain liked.
I just want to feel over this. Not bothered.