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20.3.14

That Little White Pill

Yesterday I wasn't sure how to feel.
I was pleased that I have made big steps and will hopefully be feeling a lot more settled in my emotions soon.
I was relieved that I no longer have this "should I or shouldn't I?" question hanging over my head. 

On Tuesday, in desperation, I wrote a letter to my doctor, almost begging for an appointment as it's so hard to get past the receptionists. Tuesday evening at 7pm the phone rang twice, I didn't get there in time but saw it was WITHHELD so hoped for the best. Yesterday morning, at 8.30 on the dot my phone rang again.
It was my doctors receptionist. He wanted to see me that morning.
At 10 am I'm sat in the waiting room.
I felt so incredibly anxious.
I felt everyone was looking at me. EVERYONE.
I didn't know where to look, what to do with my hands. I felt fidgety, and uncomfortable.
I felt scared and shaky.
The moment my name appeared on the scrolling board I let out a sigh of relief and hoped my wobbly legs would carry me the short distance down the corridor to my doctors room.
Part of me wanted to run away and not go through with it but the other part was pulling me into the room, encouraging me to do the right thing.

I went in. We sat and talked for a while.
Discussed my reasons, my options, my worries, and my next steps.
And then he signed the prescription.
I'm now on antidepressants.

I first went onto antidepressants at 15, something which I believe doesn't happen too much now because the brain is still developing, and I didn't have the best experience on them. As a result I've got a very negative view of them and always wanted to overcome anxiety and depression by myself.
I felt I was letting myself down by going back onto them. Like I was or am weak.
But I've tried for 5 years not to use them.
I've tried many other ways to try and overcome this illness and it's time to accept that I've done all I can and need to help myself by sorting out the balances within my head and my brain by taking medication.

For now I am only on 50mg, I have to give it 2 weeks to start working and then see from there as to whether or not I stay on that amount or raise to 100mg or 150mg.

This was all weighing so heavy on my head and my heart yesterday.
But today I woke up and actually forgot about it, until my husband asked if I had taken my tablet.

I feel somewhat refreshed and like a weight is off my shoulders.
Although I'm still a bit disappointed that it has come to this, me taking that little white pill everyday, I've accepted that I need to look after myself. And not abuse myself by accepting these awful thoughts and letting tears become part of my daily routine.
I have a long way to go, and other changes in my life I need to make. Other things to accept and realise, and I'll get there.
It just might take me a while.