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8.3.14

The Longing


I am incredibly lucky with things I have done in life and what I have in life, being family, a house, a car, jeez even a boat. What a way to sound so materialistic but please don't get me wrong, I am in no way being flash or wanting to be all "look at me" because I'm not that way at all.
We were just incredibly lucky that money appeared to be able to afford our boat, if not we had planned to save save and save some more.

So in those aspects I'm lucky. I feel I have a missing piece in my life.
I've been incredibly unlucky when it comes to friendships. Last year someone questioned this and didn't believe that I could really have been let down so much. And that hurt.
Why would I make up that I have been so unlucky? Surely I would pretend I was popular than to pretend I am an easy target for people to walk over, pick up and put down as and when they please, easy to control and easy to bully? Which in reality, I am. I am an easy target, because I want to please people. I try to be this good friend and people take advantage of it.
I put others feelings before my own.
I let others tell me exactly what they think of me, yet if they do anything to me, I keep it quiet so as to not hurt their feelings.

One of my problems is that as soon as anyone shows a tiny bit of interest in me I cling onto them. I desperately hope that they are "The One".
And before long, after I have invested so much into the friendship it's gone. Because they have found someone else to control or bully, or because I finally find strength to stand up for myself and they don't like it.
But who is left behind? Me, or the bully?
Me.
The bully, the other person, is off making new friends, enjoying these new discoveries and I'm left wondering what on earth had just happened.
Left confused wondering why this is happening to me again.
Left wondering how the bullies always conquer. How they manage to attract the nicest of people to befriend them, and here I am, looking on, dreaming of a wonderful friendship with these nice people unable to get in.

What do I have to change about myself to become the person they want to be friends with?
Am I not clever enough? Not mature enough? Not pretty enough?
Is it because I am a stay at home mum? Is it because I'm fat?
Is it because of my age? My name? Because of where I live?
Am I just not interesting enough?
Am I too boring?
Is it because I write about mental health? Do people think I'm going to be hard work? Negative all the time?
Am I too desperate?
Do I put too much into it too soon?

The Longing.
For a friend, someone who likes me. Who wants to get to know me. Who wants to talk everyday.
Someone who is desperate to see me. 
To be someones best friend.
To be an important part of someones jigsaw, rather than constantly being the wrong piece and discarded for the right one.
I want to be that person someone is glad to have in their life as a friend.
I want to be someone who others feel they would be sad if I was no longer in their life.
That person people would do anything for to keep in their life.
I want to be the one people want to sit next to. The one people want to share a coffee or a glass/bottle of wine with.
The person people want to meet. 

I don't want to be the one people have in their life because I boost their ego, to make them feel strong, to be part of someones gang to make them look bigger.
I don't want to be an easy target.
I want to be an equal.

I want to be seen and appreciated as an adult, a woman, a mother. As someone who can have an intelligent conversation.
Ok I may have to Google some long words, and have no interest in reading Harry Potter because the words and storyline completely confuse me. I may not remember lines in films, or some parts of books but it doesn't mean I haven't read them or watched them.
I may get confused with where commas go and sometimes have to Google mummy's/mummies to know which to use but I know their/there/they're, say have instead of of and encourage my children to pronounce their t's.
I may have to use spell check sometimes.
But....
I have knowledge, I have life experience. I have intelligence.

I long to be accepted for being me. Not needing to wear this mask anymore and to be a different person depending on who I am talking to.
I want to mend these broken parts of me broken down since school and broken even as an adult.
I want to be believed, I want to be trusted.

I want to be a stable, permanent person in someones life.

I just long to be liked.