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28.4.14

The Temporary Friend

I've mentioned many times before about my bad luck when it comes to friendships. For a while I didn't learn my lesson, and learn from previous experiences.
I have a habit of letting people straight in, letting them get really close and giving my all, and then realising that they were the wrong person to do that with. They would treat me horribly, try and control me, bully me, have me almost worship them, take me for granted and just drain all of my energy.
That person then walks away, head held high, completely unaffected. I, on the other hand, am left broken again. Picking myself up, putting myself back together, going over what went wrong. Blaming myself, bullying myself just as those others did, picking out my bad points.

Last year I made a lot of changes in my life. Changes to do with how I was treated by friends and family. I started to really think about what I should and shouldn't have to deal with, who or what was important, and how or if it would affect my future, my husbands future or my boys future.
I had to make sacrifices and in cutting out some people from your life you do lose others, but rather than being offended by that or taking it personally, I took it in a positive way because it was clear that the "follower" was not worth my time, effort or energy either.
My main motto of last year was "You Don't Deserve This" and my mum would regularly remind me of those words.
I would go to her if I was having issues with anyone and she would say "You don't deserve this" or "you don't deserve that" and it wasn't until January this year, when I looked back on 2013, that I realised that those words really summed up my year.
It was about me looking at what I deserved, how I deserved to be treated, and how I deserve my life to be.

For me it's not as simple as walking away from friendships and relationships. I never get over the hurt. I constantly replay things that have been said or done over and over, trying to make sense of it, trying to find an answer as to why it happen. And trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, although I constantly feel it was because that's what bullies do, they control your way of thinking and can somehow turn you against yourself.
You believe you are this rubbish person, a rubbish friend. You stick up for yourself and for once in however many years choose to think about yourself, putting your own safety and mental health, and enjoyment, first but to that one bully you are the most awful person because you are not completely forgetting about yourself. You should be putting them first.
I had one moment when I felt like this, to the point that for almost 2 weeks I would cry almost everyday, I felt trapped, I would shake, I was scared of one person. Scared of how they made me feel.
I bully myself, as much as I am convincing myself that I am not the one with the problem or issue this person has managed to poison my mind into believing that actually yes, I am awful.

Finding the courage to walk away from any friendships or relationships is hard, especially when you know that you will never be completely rid of them for whatever reason. They will always be there in the background.
And even though they are not directly in your life, you know they are there. You can almost feel them watching you, knowing what they are saying about you, thinking about you and you always feel on edge.
You panic about going to certain places, speaking to certain people and you realise that although you've let that person go, you have cut them out of your life, they will always be there. You let them in and there is no way to rid yourself of them completely.

It's hard to live like that. To never be free.
My trust in others is at an all time low, but at the same time, I still let people in. I have a constant battle in my head. One part telling me that I can trust these new people and to let my guard down and tell them everything, one part tells me that this person cannot be trusted, do not let them in at all, and another part that trusts only so much and questions everyone.
They all battle for power and I end up making massive mistakes. And hurt myself again. And the doubt sets in.
And it makes me feel drained and down. And angry. At myself and at others. But mostly angry at myself.
I feel guilty that I have friends in my life that I adore, they make me happy, they make me laugh, they make me feel like me, but deep down, and more often than not, that side of me that questions everyone will win the battle and will try to convince me that these people don't like me. They pity me. They find me annoying, immature, irritating, and all the others words you can find in a thesaurus to describe annoying.
These people can't be trusted, they are friends with the people I have let go and it's all a big plan to make me say things, to stir up trouble for me and the others who have let me down before.

Although now writing this has triggered that side of me that questions people, and doubts everyone, I can also say that I feel guilty for having those thoughts.
I feel guilty because if, yes IF, anyone genuinely likes me (even if you say you like me and you are my friend I don't believe it) then it's really awful of me as a friend to then doubt them and to not trust me. Because if it was the other way round, and the people I really like and consider a friend said to me that they think I actually don't like them I would be upset. And angry, and really quite offended.
Yet there's part of me that makes me feel that way about others. That they really pity me. 
I always feel like there is something in the way of the friendships I so desperately crave. Somethings that can be fixed or amended, but some also that can't.

I long to have that feeling in my heart where I can truly believe that yes, someone may actually like me. They may actually want to be my friend, they may actually want to spend time with me and they don't pity me. They may be trustworthy and may want so desperately to have me in their lives.
But my heart feels full of doubt.

I don't want to be people's second thought anymore, the forgotten one or the one who will "do". The spare part. The temporary friend, until the next victim comes along, or indeed the perfect person. The perfect person you were being groomed to be. 
And you are left broken. Picking up the pieces, trying to remain strong but really you feel heavy, and like something so delicate which has been smashed into so many pieces, which you know will never go back where they should go. 
And you are back to the stage where you need to fix yourself again. You have to build yourself up again. And after a while you have the doubts again. The "what is the point?" thoughts.
"What is the point in me putting all this effort into building myself up to be knocked down again. To be someone else's temporary friend".

Always the temporary friend.