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23.6.14

In A Room Of So Many

One thing I really like about Britmums Live is the variety of sessions and how unpredictable the numbers are in each session. By that I mean that in one session the room may be packed, and in another there may be a select few making it a little more intimate.

One of my favourite sessions was Storytelling.
"Storytelling: Learn how to share your experiences, compellingly, from someone who’s turned motherhood stories into a musical CREATE
Emily Beecher, Good Enough Mums Club"

I went to a storytelling session last year and really enjoyed it and almost considered not going this year as I felt that maybe it wouldn't be that different. When I then saw the clip of the Good Enough Mums Club on YouTube I knew I had to go to the session. If someone could create a musical like that, then I would be silly to not go to a session run by her.
I found the session really good and made lots of notes, I had to leave early because....you know....too much wine the night before and that feeling of "oh my goodness, it might be reappearing anytime soon".
Anyway, part of the reason I loved the session was because of Emily.
There are some people who you can almost "fall in love with" without even speaking to them or knowing anything about them. Those people who, just by looking at them, you want to spend time with, you want to be friends with, you want to know lots about them. And I found Emily to be one of these people.

So after the session I was really looking forward to the sneak peak we were lucky enough to get from the Good Enough Mums Club after the bloggers keynote. When Emily got up to introduce the ladies performing she gave us an insight into her background and the reason for the show, how it started and so on. And all of a sudden, it felt like everyone else left the room. 
It felt like Emily was talking straight to me.

As she spoke about deeply personal things, images she saw in her head as if those things were happening, had happened or will happen I just wanted to run to the stage and hug her and tell her how much she had made me feel normal just by telling her story.

I've shared a lot about my anxiety and depression on my blog. It's not something I'm ashamed of. But I have held a lot back, mainly because when I have shared it with people they have laughed or just don't understand. And for the past few months I have been seriously considering just writing it all down. Putting it out there. And saying that actually, it's NOT funny to go through this. 
For people who can say "actually that will never happen" or "you should accept that it didn't happen and just move on" to actually realise that to me these things are real and although you don't experience it, or understand, it doesn't mean it's easy to get over. If it was, I would have got over it 5 years ago when it all first started.

I'm not usually the type to go over to someone after a talk at Britmums but when it was all over and most people had left I couldn't just walk away. And I was brave and went over. I planned to be cool and to say thank you and to give a little insight into what is going on with me. But I got nervous, and I cried (no surprises there hey?!). But we hugged and I thanked her for making me feel normal.
I told her that I felt she was talking straight to me, and not to anyone else. I felt as though I was supposed to be there at that point, like fate I suppose, like I was meant to hear that.
I realise that other people have anxiety, I have never thought I was the only one to suffer from that, but I always felt that I was/am the only one who saw/see's these intense and sometimes so real images and scenarios in my head. To the point that I stand there and wonder whether or not this thing has happened, will happen or is about to happen.

Emily made me realise that I am normal. And that there are others out there who are like me.

I realised that it's ok to talk about it, and that maybe it would be best to just get it all out. And if people find it funny then that's their problem, not mine.

Emily. Thank you for talking to me, in a room of so many.