As I write this I am sat on a train on my way back from Britmums Live. I planned to hold back on posting about it until next week. To write a nice balanced post, but as I sit and reflect on the weekend and write in my notebook I notice a theme. And it's all to do with Friday night.
I feel if I don't write about it now then it will keep in my mind and I need to try and move on, and address a few things.
I am not a heavy drinker. I rarely drink at all. I never go clubbing or to the pub with girl friends. So I had planned to have fun with my friends and relax, have a couple of drinks (be merry not really drunk) and just be Lauren. Not mum, not wife, not daughter. But Lauren.
What happened wasn't me at all. It certainly wasn't the way I ever wanted to be seen by people in this community, by people I've never met before.....great first impression hey?! To say things I can't remember and maybe even say things I didn't mean.
I feel humiliated, embarressed and ashamed.
It's not really fun when someone is like that is it? When your friends have to look after you. When your friends have to escort you out of somewhere in search of carbs. When you are not aware that you are being too loud.
It's not fun to have people coming over asking if you are feeling ok. People you have no recollection of speaking to. When you wonder just how many people saw you in such a state.
When you sit there and cry because your friends didn't win the awards they were nominated in, and you are supposed to be supporting them and saying it's ok but instead are kind of doing the opposite, you know you have gone too far.
When you can't remember the awards finishing, you can't remember leaving the venue. You can't remember getting to the restaurant, you know it's not good.
When you know you cried FAR too much for the most ridiculous reasons. You cry at people you've only just met, you interupt conversations, you become a pest, the kind of person people don't want to be around. That's when it's gone too far.
I am ashamed of how I acted and I can't help but to think that I completely represented myself in the wrong way.
I am sorry to anyone I annoyed.
I am sorry to my wonderful, amazing friends who had to look after me. Who weren't able to have their own fun because they had to watch me.
But I am thankful to those friends too. So so thankful.