I go onto Instagram and am met with a lot of photos. Some of real life, and some of a life people want to portray. The same goes with blogs, Twitter, everything.
I pride myself on being one of those who shows real life. I want to document not only the good times when life feels perfect and I'm living the dream, but also those times where life feels so so low. When I want to run to my doctor and beg him to double or triple the mg of my anti-depressants. When I want to ask him to lock me up somewhere because I just.can't.take.it.any.more.
Life can have really high highs.
But it can have really low lows.
At the moment my life feels really unbalanced. I suppose life is never going to be totally balanced. But it feels too unbalanced and I don't know how to gain control and to weigh it all out so it is manageable.
I look in the mirror and I see a different me. I see a me that I quite like. Appearance wise.
But I am realising that the me on the outside doesn't completely change the me on the inside.
I'm still overweight, I'm not stupid, I realise that. But before, 3 months ago, I was considered Obese. Knowing my shell was obese and wasn't at all what I wanted it to be made me down. It made me feel like I wasn't me.
I longed for her to come back. The Lauren I only saw on photos and liked. The one I recognised by looks but couldn't remember the feeling of being her.
I didn't know if she even existed anymore.
And she's coming back. She is a different shell because her tummy is now covered in shiny stretchmarks and sags at the bottom but that's ok, it was home to two babies and those are the reminders.
Her calves have silver stretchmarks, a reminder of weight gain, and water retention, but mainly weight gain. Not a happy reminder of growing two babies, but a reminder that I stopped caring. I stopped putting myself first. I gave in to comfort eating instead of using my willpower and fighting it.
The shell, I can accept and move on from. I can change it. I can continue to exercise, I can continue to eat healthy, I can continue to avoid takeaways and to drink more water.
The head, I can't accept.
I have accepted that right now anti-depressants are not a choice, they are a necessity. Without them I couldn't live.
And it sounds dramatic but it is true.
With them I struggle, but without them I would be worse. A lot worse.
I was doing ok. I was doing really well.
But recently, it's taking over again.
The mental health stuff.
The not caring, the wanting to eat and eat and eat. Because apparently I will feel better if I eat lots of rubbishy food.
Except I know this isn't true. I know it will make me worse.
Food fixes nothing.
Chocolate fixes nothing.
Cake fixes nothing.
Willpower will fix it somewhat.
The feeling of "I DID IT" as you go to bed knowing you didn't secretly snack on a packet of crisps and salad cream, knowing that you didn't finish your children's dinner, or eat the leftovers from the saucepan.
I think I'm anxious, about the future. About the next couple of months. At that point when I look on the scales and see that I'm 11 stone. My current target. Heavy to some but much less than the weight I used to be.
I know I will be happy with myself. At 12 stone now I am happy, but I know I can and need to be better.
Losing weight gives me something to focus on for myself. And being completely honest I quite like the attention it brings too. The support really. The fact that people notice.
The fact that people can see a change. The fact people see me as something. A person, and not this housewife or mum. Although that quickly fades and once again I'm her again.
But what next? What do I focus on next?
What if I get to that 11 stone and although I see the Lauren I wanted to be I don't feel like her?
What if it isn't enough?
What if I get to that point and I feel lost and there is nowhere to go? Do I just accept that this is who I am? Someone who will, mentally, always struggle. Always have those wobbles and those "who am I? who do I want to be?" moments?
I know it's normal to feel like that, to wonder who you are. And when I say "who do I want to be?" I don't mean in a career sense.
I mean what kind of person do I want to be.
I can only be myself, but sometimes I wonder if it's enough? Do I need to change? Inside?
Do I need to be a different person? Do I need to fake it and then eventually become it naturally?
I want to be more than a shell. And start living a life that I feel is real.