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19.7.14

She Keeps Leaving

I keep seeing hints of this girl, or woman as I suppose she is now classed as. When I look in the mirror, in photos, and in myself.
That Lauren that I quite like. The one who makes me feel confident, a bit safe, happy and...well....just makes me feel like me.

But she keeps leaving. And I don't know when she will be back. Sometimes just for a day, sometimes for a week or more.
It scares me, and it confuses me. Just as I feel things are getting back on track something happens that ruins it all. The reflection, the girl I recognise and like, is gone. Sometimes I can feel her leaving, and I cling on for as long as I can but then, she's gone.
I've lost her again. And I don't know how to get her back.

I almost beg her not to go. Promise to change and all that jazz but it's too late.
I await her return. I hope and pray that it won't be long because the darkness, emptiness and confusion is all getting too much to cope with.

I feel like a broken record. I *am* a broken record.
And maybe that's why she leaves? Because she doesn't like this me. Maybe she feels that this me is too over-powering. Too much to handle. I understand that. I can feel that. But I try. I try my best to keep her close.
To be her as much as I can.
But sometimes it's so tough and it's beyond my control.

I just want to be her again.
But she keeps leaving.