I feel confused a lot.
I question myself.
Things I did as a baby, as a child, as a teenager, as an adult.
Where did I go wrong? Where did I let him down? Did I disappoint him from day one? Or was it later on?
At which point did he decide that I wasn't the daughter he wanted?
At which point did he decide that I'm not worth his time? Not worth fighting for?
Not important enough?
I wonder if there was ever a time that he thought he was letting me down? If he ever felt like he could improve, or if he always felt I was the one in the wrong?
But what did I do wrong? Other than to want an honest father. Other than to want a father who loved me, who wanted to spend time with me. Who cared for me. Who knew things about me.
I used to worship him. And despite knowing things about him, I chose to shut those things away in a box in my mind and not let them influence or change our relationship.
I remember clearly, one day we were sat outside a pub on the South Pier. I can't remember why this conversation came up but he asked me "If me and mum split up who would you go with?"
My instant reply was "You. But you two will never split up, will you?"
And he replied "No".
I would have been around 13 when he asked me that. 12 or 13. At the time I thought nothing of it, but now I can't help but wonder who he was pursuing at the time, whilst his family who adored him and thought everything was perfect and happy sat at home waiting for him, with no idea that one day he would walk away and create such a fight for his teenage and then grown up children to see him and be in his life.
Every day I put that small white pill in my mouth.
As I swallow it it hurts. Not physically. But mentally.
In my head. It hurts.
In my heart. It hurts.
If it wasn't for his actions would depression ever have hit me?
If it wasn't for his actions would I have more patience with my children? And not lose my cool over the smallest thing?
Would I not really be bothered over them not putting a cup in the kitchen, and not see it as them letting me down and thinking I am worthless and not good enough to listen to.
Would I think more of myself? Would I think I was a good person? Worthwhile?
Would I think "hey, I am a good person to know?" or would I still feel like people are foolish to take me into their lives?
Looking back I have major regrets over things that I did to please him. Things I did to be able to see him.
What kind of child takes flowers round to the woman he felt would give him a better life than the family who adored him? What kind of child would thank her ever so much, "thank you, thank you, thank you, for letting me come into your home and allowing me to see my dad."
What kind of child would do this, after getting abuse from this woman for wanting some alone time with her dad?
Crying down the phone to her dad, begging to see him, to hear her in the background telling the girl that she is selfish. Telling the girl that if she wants to see her dad she can go to "their" house. The house he secretly lived in so she could continue to get money from her husband, and whatever to government gave her for now being a "single mum" as well as his wages, meaning us having to sell our lovely family home. Desperately looking for something that would be perfect for this new family of 3.
Life was hard for us. So hard. But for him, it was easy. He didn't care.
He didn't care about the hurt he caused, the mess he caused. The pain he caused.
The pain and hurt that still remains.
What did I do?
Did I love him too much?
Maybe, just maybe, I was too good for him?