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30.3.14

My Mum

Mum.

I know you're not bothered by Mother's Day, but I didn't want to let the day pass without doing something special.
What better way to let you know how special you are to us than to write it here.

I've known since I was a little girl just how lucky I am to have you.
For 15 years we were the perfect family of four. 2 girls and 2 boys. An even team. I saw friends at school deal with family break ups and I felt so lucky to not be one of them, but I was always scared in case it happened.
And when my dads actions caused our unit to break I was scared.
I was scared about how the 3 of us would bond together to create a new unit. Turning into an odd number, I expected there to always be one left out.
I was scared for you. I was scared about how you would cope with someone doing that to you, to your children, to your family.
But, you got us through. Your strength, determination, honesty and love got us through it. And within no time at all we were a strong unit of 3.
You made us that.
And for that I am so so proud.

Of course we had our ups and downs, and things weren't perfect at times. But again, you got us through.
I remember looking through the window of what is now your house, after we had to move, and it being a big project. For me, at 17, it didn't look like a home. It was just a house. A downgrade from the perfect 4 bedroom house we had been living in as a perfect family of 4 for a few years. But you saw it's potential.
And although the move was tough and wasn't simple, your strength, determination, honesty and love got us through it.
And soon we were in our new home. Not just a house anymore, but a home. Our home.
You made it that.
And for that I am so so proud.

I know at 28 maybe Dale and me rely on you too much sometimes, but you never complain. You are always there to help. 
Always there to talk to. And to babysit. And I appreciate that so much.

When I look at you I see a beautiful, strong, determined, successful woman.
My best friend.
My mother.
My children's grandmother.

I don't know what I would do without you. (Well, ironing for sure).
And I love you so much.
xxx


Happy Sunday | Week Five

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Jellies

Oh yes, oh yes, I did it. I got myself a pair of Sun Jellies. After around three weeks of umming and ahhing at which colour to get and getting myself in a state I finally bought some black ones. I thought it seemed the sensible choice as they will go with jeans and with my other sundresses and leggings.
Oh my, they are so comfortable. Are only £14, with only £2 p&p, and it's super quick delivery.
I'm now planning my next colours. I think these will be perfect for our time on the boat too.
Yay summer! Come on!!

Washing on the line

Oh the feeling of joy and success when you look out onto your garden to a washing line full of fresh smelling wet washing, drying in the warm breeze.
Sigh.

The rabbit.

Sometimes I feel incredibly guilty that the rabbit is stuck in his hutch day in day out. I let him out as much as I can into his run but recently I've also let him have freedom of the garden. Our "grass" is full of weeds so he helps by eating the majority of them.
Harry likes to follow him around asking for cuddles and trying to stroke him, sometimes he will chase him which, although may sound cruel, the rabbit clearly enjoys because as soon as Harry stops the rabbit comes over to him as if he's saying "chase me, chase me".
He's not extremely tame but the more we are letting him out the more he will let me go near him.
I wasn't too impressed with him eating my mint plant in the vegetable garden but watching Harry giggle as the rabbit rolled around in the soil was fantastic.

Personal Messages

This week has been quite lovely in terms of messages I've received from people. Two were emails and one was on Facebook. It's nice to receive something that you know someone put their effort and time into writing, and the fact that those people actually thought about me enough to want to send a personal message to me. Things like that make me really happy.


A handmade card

Harry went to playgroup with my mum this week and came home with this. I adore it. The glitter is amazing amazing amazing and my favourite is the inside and the fact that he fingerpainted 'H''s. If you saw last week's Happy Sunday post you'll know he is obsessed with writing H's at the moment. It's adorable and I'm really proud of him.
Charles also came home from school with a handmade card. He was upset that I found it in his bag, but hadn't told me not to look so it was a bit silly really.
I love it although he still calls me 'mummy' and not 'mum' so we laughed at that.
These things are so precious. 

 What made you happy this week?

Linking up to:
The Ordinary Moments: Mummy Daddy Me
My Week That Was: Make, Do and Push

28.3.14

Love The Little Things #13

Read

Harry went to playgroup with my mum this week so I could have a morning to myself. Last time they went together he came back with a Valentines Card for me and this time he came back with a decorated poem which was really sweet.


Watched

This, a couple of times. 


Heard

Harry is obsessed with Wall-E at the moment (as well as Turbo, Toy Story 3 and Cars). He tries to sing along with the song at the end and we always have to get up and dance whilst he sings "down ooo the ground"



Made

An exciting purchase. See below.


Wore

Jellies. Wooooo.

And lastly...

It's been a big week this week when it comes to the boat. We have now less than 2 weeks until she returns to the water. My husband has been working hard sanding, painting and varnishing the boat and we finally were at the stage to add her name to the back. It was quite a big moment really as she hasn't had a name on her for years and I think it's kind of been frowned upon that she didn't have a name on her.
On Thursday this week my husband collected Charles from school and they went over to have some boy time on the boat fixing something. It was nice for them to have that time together. They didn't get back until 7, as I was putting Harry to bed, and asked if we wanted to go to Pizza Hut. We'd already eaten but I sent them on their way.
When they came back it was lovely to know they'd had that quality time together, which they haven't really done before.
I hope they do it again soon.


butwhymummywhy

27.3.14

Am I Brave?

When I write about mental health, my mental health to be exact, I don't feel brave. I don't feel strong.
I just write it. Because it helps me.
Writing it all down is a release from it being on my mind, and on my shoulders. I can feel a weight being lifted and that feels good.
I don't think about who could read it. I don't think about it being on the internet for whoever to see. I just think about how much it helps me to write it down, no matter how personal it is.

I've said a few times before, I'm not ashamed about my mental health problems.
What is there to be ashamed about?
I didn't cause them, and they are not a result of anything I have done wrong in life.
It's just something that has happened and something I have to learn to deal with and cope with in whichever way I can.

It's not easy living with it. It's unpredictable and that can be the hardest thing.
Going to bed on a high and wondering if I will wake up in that happy mood the next day.
Going to bed feeling so low and wondering if I will wake up that down the next day.
I know everyone can wake up in a bad mood, or not feeling quite right, but when it comes to depression, I think the feeling of "how long will it last this time?" is the scariest thing.
And how it not only affects you, but everyone around you.
You can't just snap out of it. Or have some chocolate to get over it.
It's within you all the time, like an active volcano waiting to erupt, and you don't know how severe it will be.

It's scary knowing that anything, small or large, can put you back in that low, dark place. The place you can go to so easily but struggle so hard to get out of.
Something so insignificant to others. That even you can look at and say "don't get wound up by it" will still affect you.

The thing that gets me through is people saying I've helped them. Or that they've felt the same and that reading what I am going through makes them feel better.
It makes it all worth it, the sharing.
I do worry about sharing it sometimes, mostly because of what people might think of me, rather than the actual subject of what I am sharing.

If I can make people aware of mental health, and how people suffer from it, then that makes writing about it even more important.
If I can make someone feel they are not alone, then it makes it even more important.

I don't necessarily feel brave or strong, but the fact that some see me as that is quite wonderful.

26.3.14

Sponsored Video: Samsung Dream the Blues II

I remember as a child standing on a field at the weekend watching my brother and his friends playing football. He was part of a football team and they would all turn up in tops supporting their chosen team.
The would play as if they were in their favourite team, or as if they were their favourite player.
I'm pretty sure they all dreamt of becoming a footballer or of one day playing for "their team".

This dream can now be a reality for some lucky children, thanks to Samsung and Chelsea Football Club.

After a successful campaign last year Samsung has recently launched the second season of its ‘Dream the Blues’ campaign, which aims to encourage football-loving youths from age 9 to 13 to reach their football dreams.

This year, with Samsung-Chelsea FC youth local football camps in China, Vietnam, and Colombia, he most passionate kids selected from each local camp will be given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to play with great Chelsea players such as Fernando Torres, Eden Hazard, and John Terry in London.


Post sponsored by Samsung

25.3.14

The Last Class


Last night I attended my final Stress Control session. There were 6 sessions in total and annoyingly I had to miss session 4 and 5 because I was so poorly although thankfully I was able to collect those workbooks yesterday.

Yesterdays session was about sleep and the future.
Sleep is one of my issues, as a result of the anxiety and depression but also because I have just got myself in this silly routine of not sleeping.
The reasons being because my husband is a snorer, and also because of when I was breastfeeding Harry. Even though Harry was asleep I would stay awake, waiting for him to wake up for his milk. We weren't in any kind of routine but I would wait and would end up giving up at 1am, and going to bed only to be woken 5 minutes later, or I would go to bed at 2, for the same thing to happen.
The session last night focuses on how we can improve our sleep.
We looked at writing a sleep diary and knowing why our sleep is disturbed, how we can relax, retraining our sleep, as well as looking at tips for sleeping better.
The aim being that an improvement in our sleep will mean we are more able to fight and control our stress/anxiety/depression in the daytime.

We then looked briefly at the future, and how we can control our future in terms of stress.
We focused on dealing with set-backs and the fact that it is ok to have down days and to remember that down days don't put us back at step one. We may have moved forward three steps but a bad day may only take us back one step, so to look at it postively that's still two steps we've moved forward.
We talked about letting others help us in certain ways. Not just by being there to talk but by letting people help around the house, or doing particularly jobs for us.
And also at praising ourselves. Saying well done and addressing a good day, and particular achievements.

I'm not sure if overall the stress control classes have helped me. But they've certainly given me things to think about and made me see that some of what I think is "normal" and to make me feel like someone, somewhere, understands.
I feel a lot of it is what I knew already.
I didn't go to the classes to be cured, or to come away feeling completely better. I was realistic with my thoughts.
But I am glad I went, because I almost didn't.

Now I need to think about my next steps.
Once again I'm waiting on yet ANOTHER assessment to see about getting CBT. I actually think I've had more assessments than actual appointments. It's incredibly frustrating to have to keep repeating the same upsetting things over and over again to strangers. Although I find it easy to write about I don't find it so easy to talk about.

I am aware of two other classes I would be suitable for but unlike the stress control classes, which was just sit and listen, these ones are a lot more involved and are a smaller group where you sit and talk. I'm not sure I want to do that.

I recently started taking anti-depressants and I'm going to try and be positive and realistic when it comes to those. If it means I'm on them for a few years then so be it.
I want to be happy not only for my family, but most importantly for myself. And to start leading a positive, fulfilled life.

24.3.14

I'm Going To Britmums Live 2014 | Linky

Name: Lauren
BlogReal Housewife of Suffolk County

Twitter ID@LaurenInSuffolk

Height: 5ft 5ish

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Is this your first blogging conference?
No it will be my second.

Are you attending both days?
I am. Wooo.

What are you most looking forward to at BritMums Live 2014?
Catching up with friends, making new friends, staying in a nice hotel and being able to starfish on the big bed, and of course learning how to blog better and picking up tips.

What are you wearing?
Either Joules or a maxi dress, or both!


What do you hope to gain from BritMums Live 2014?
I made some amazing new friends last year and I'd like to do the same this year. I'd also like to gain some confidence and also be able to improve my blog or social media.

Do you have any tips to pass on to others who may not have been before?
Plan your sessions in advance, make a list of which ones you want to go to. If you feel shy put a call out on Twitter and ask if anyone else is going to those sessions to see if you can sit with them or walk to the room with them.
Make sure you take your phone charger incase you get lost in London with no battery.
Get to the main room in time for the keynotes on the Friday so you can get a seat at a table.
Don't be afraid to take time out if you need to.

I'm attending Britmums Live thanks to my sponsors BumpPR.

I'm linking this up with the 'I'm going to Britmums Live' linky.

At The Heath

I love living where we do. We're in the perfect location to explore both Norfolk and Suffolk. We do tend to stick to Norfolk more than Suffolk, just because it's a shorter distance really and this time is to increase with us holidaying, taking mini-breaks and days out on the Norfolk Broads this year.
I love exploring the local area, visiting parks, woods, beaches and so on. Which is what makes sailing all the more appealing as we get to discover more towns and villages (and pubs) in Norfolk.
Whilst the boat is out of the water, and with my husbands birthday celebrations, we explored Norwich a couple of weeks ago.
We had a table booked at one of our favourite restaurants but with the sun shining we decided to go for a walk before.
Our plans to visit a park came to a hault when we noticed amount of cars trying to get in, and out, and instead we headed for Mousehold Heath.
I've driven past a few times but never actually stopped for a walk and, oh my, it's beautiful.
The atmosphere was wonderful, the sun was shining, occasionally a family would walk past with their dog/s (we seemed to be the only family without a dog), the leaves were still orange and crisp at our feet.
It was the perfect place for the boys to explore as they searched for a cave and chased after some butterflies.

The walk ended in the most lovely way possible. The boys walking off, holding hands, in their sunglasses with the following conversation:
Charles: "Harry, do I look cool?"
Harry: "'es, I look coooool?"
Charles: "Yes, do I still look cool?
Harry: "'es, I still look cooool?"
and so on and so on.

And they certainly did.



23.3.14

Happy Sunday | Week Four

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

A Kind Heart

I'm in my second week of being poorly which sucks. Charles is better though so has returned to school, with my husband doing the morning school runs to help me out.
On Tuesday I was having a particularly bad day and in between doing dinner and then getting ready for the bedtime routine, which I've been doing this week whilst my husband is working overtime, I took myself off to the bathroom for 5 minutes to take off my make up and just have some time to myself. Normally the boys would be in and out as per usual but Charles knocked on the door and I said I would be out in a minute. It was like he understood I needed some time to myself.
When I went downstairs I couldn't see him so assumed he was waiting for me in his bedroom and I had missed him. Then Harry told me he was under the table.
He appeared with a card with hand drawn heart balloons on the front and inside the words 'To Mumy, Love Charles, Dady and Harry' and on the back the number 8 with eight kisses, he had accidentally drawn nine but decided nine was far too much so he crossed it out.
The card was to make me better because he knew I was feeling so poorly.
This card meant and will always mean so much to me. I love that he knew he had a few minutes without me around so went to find a blank card and a pencil to make me a card. I love that he hid under the table to surprise me. I love that he put everyones names in it.
I love that he wanted to make me feel better.

A Family Dinner

I usually do the boys dinner around 5/5.30 and then I eat with my husband around 7. My husband has been working late this week and getting back at 8 o clock and so I decided to make Spaghetti Bolognese for me and the boys one night. My husband has gone off it so I very rarely make it now. It was lovely and Charles was so excited that I was eating with them.
We talked about school and about some boating weekends we have planned in April and May. We talked about school, and girls, amoungst other things. It was just so wonderful.
Excuse the dirty mouth.

The Cuteness

Harry lined his Bob the Builder toys up, plus another digger on the end, sat in the middle and asked for me to take a photo of them. How could I say no? Yes he may have chocolate all around his mouth but I don't care. The moment was just so wonderful, I love how he put his arms around them too, like a proud friend or a proud owner.

The Letter H

This week Harry learnt how to write the letter H. Although he doesn't know his alphabet in full yet he is really good at recognising letters and being able to tell you some words that begin with those letters.
He is so proud of being able to write 'H' that he is obsessed with writing it at any given opportunity. I keep finding pieces of paper with an H written on them and pages in my notebooks with 'H' on almost every page.
I love it and am so proud of him.

Ricky Martin

I adore Ricky Martin and feel ashamed to say that I didn't realise he had new songs out that I never even knew about. I went onto YouTube to watch the video and listen to Vuelve on Monday (my go to song if I am feeling down) and then came across this.
Why is it not released in the UK? Madness!!

What made you happy this week?

Linking up to:
The Ordinary Moments: Mummy Daddy Me
My Week That Was: Make, Do and Push
Little Things Thursday: Little By Little
Random 5 Friday: A Rural Journal
Friday Photo Journal: Serendipity is Sweet

21.3.14

Love The Little Things #12

Read

The news. This whole missing plane thing is just bizarre and I find it really interesting. I guess we'd all love it if they were found on an island, alive but by the looks of things with the last update they may have found it in the Indian Ocean.


Watched

This week Harry is obsessed with Wall-E. I've only seen bits and pieces of it and at first wasn't too keen but I'm quite taken to it now.
We also went along to Charles' class assembly. It was so so so adorable. Just listening to their cute little squeeky voices as they told us the story of the 3 Little Pigs and sang some cute little songs made me well up a little.
Harry came along with me, and I anticipated him making a fuss and wanting to be with his brother. Instead he sat really well, with sunglasses on, and watched his brother.

Heard

After a tough time recently I went back to my usual music choices being Ricky Martin and other Latino songs. I desperately craved summer and the need to get out my Latin Fever cd.
This song is one of my all time favourites. Me and my mum love it and danced to it when we went to Salsa classes a few years ago. I got it played at my wedding reception so we could dance together but someone else grabbed her so I danced alone.


Made

Last Saturday I pigged out on chocolate and marshmallow pancakes. Oh my goodness. So yummy but I felt so sick afterwards. Definitely not a great idea to eat loads of those once you've just recovered from a sickness bug.
I also made pancakes for the boys on Tuesday. Best mummy ever points awarded to me.
I've always been rubbish at making pancakes but now know how to make the mixture properly and have a WONDERFUL new pan so I'm a bit obsessed with making them.



Wore

Make up, for the first time in over a week.

And lastly...

How cute are these tins? I reviewed some beautiful cake tins which we will use for the boat and I couldn't resist then hunting for these tall tins to match.


butwhymummywhy

20.3.14

That Little White Pill

Yesterday I wasn't sure how to feel.
I was pleased that I have made big steps and will hopefully be feeling a lot more settled in my emotions soon.
I was relieved that I no longer have this "should I or shouldn't I?" question hanging over my head. 

On Tuesday, in desperation, I wrote a letter to my doctor, almost begging for an appointment as it's so hard to get past the receptionists. Tuesday evening at 7pm the phone rang twice, I didn't get there in time but saw it was WITHHELD so hoped for the best. Yesterday morning, at 8.30 on the dot my phone rang again.
It was my doctors receptionist. He wanted to see me that morning.
At 10 am I'm sat in the waiting room.
I felt so incredibly anxious.
I felt everyone was looking at me. EVERYONE.
I didn't know where to look, what to do with my hands. I felt fidgety, and uncomfortable.
I felt scared and shaky.
The moment my name appeared on the scrolling board I let out a sigh of relief and hoped my wobbly legs would carry me the short distance down the corridor to my doctors room.
Part of me wanted to run away and not go through with it but the other part was pulling me into the room, encouraging me to do the right thing.

I went in. We sat and talked for a while.
Discussed my reasons, my options, my worries, and my next steps.
And then he signed the prescription.
I'm now on antidepressants.

I first went onto antidepressants at 15, something which I believe doesn't happen too much now because the brain is still developing, and I didn't have the best experience on them. As a result I've got a very negative view of them and always wanted to overcome anxiety and depression by myself.
I felt I was letting myself down by going back onto them. Like I was or am weak.
But I've tried for 5 years not to use them.
I've tried many other ways to try and overcome this illness and it's time to accept that I've done all I can and need to help myself by sorting out the balances within my head and my brain by taking medication.

For now I am only on 50mg, I have to give it 2 weeks to start working and then see from there as to whether or not I stay on that amount or raise to 100mg or 150mg.

This was all weighing so heavy on my head and my heart yesterday.
But today I woke up and actually forgot about it, until my husband asked if I had taken my tablet.

I feel somewhat refreshed and like a weight is off my shoulders.
Although I'm still a bit disappointed that it has come to this, me taking that little white pill everyday, I've accepted that I need to look after myself. And not abuse myself by accepting these awful thoughts and letting tears become part of my daily routine.
I have a long way to go, and other changes in my life I need to make. Other things to accept and realise, and I'll get there.
It just might take me a while.


18.3.14

A Letter and a Wait

I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds it a nightmare to get a doctors appointment. We don't have to ring up on the day for an appointment, you only do that for an emergency appointment, but booking one for a week or two weeks time with my own doctor is becoming impossible.
I love my doctor. He is supportive, and I trust him. I can say anything to him.
I can sit there with him and say "Hi, so I think I'm dying" and he will not be fazed or make me feel like I am overreacting. He will talk it over with me, ask the right questions, and say everything right.
I can take the boys to go and see him and he will always ask how I am. And that remembering means a lot. It's easy to feel like just a number when it comes to your doctor, because really you are. A lot of numbers.
But the fact that he remembers what I'm going through means a lot to me.
He tells me to call if I ever need to speak to him or to get an appointment whenever I need to talk about the depression and anxiety.

So, anyway, I am due to see him soon. To discuss the next step in this anxiety and depression battle.
I think for a while we both ignored the depression part. He knows how much "depression" means to me in that I am so scared of it and don't want it to be a part of my life anymore. And we tried to focus on the anxiety.
But it was time to face up to it. And to forget about plans in the past to avoid medication.
I told him my fears. And he understood.
And when I asked for him to keep an eye on me and to not let me go on them alone he understood and said he would be there for me.
Which gave me a wonderful sense of reassurance.
I had to do other things before the medication route was to begin. These things I have done and I wrongly put off going to see him because I wanted one last go and doing this by myself.
I started focusing more positively on things in my life. And writing about them.
I have tried to address and accept the depression. Almost like an "Ok, you're here, lets work together, let's not fight".
But the depression has other ideas.

I have fought so hard against this, and I feel I am going nowhere. Just reversing and smashing so hard into a brick wall. Harder and harder every time.

And it's time to accept that I can't keep doing that. And I need to try and stick some bumpers up.
And if those bumpers come in the form of antidepressants than that is what is meant to be.
It's not my ideal. But is depression my ideal? Of course not.

So, I try and book an appointment with my doctor. I'm desperate.
I feel at my lowest this week. I say that because I forget about how low I feel, but yesterday I wanted to shut myself off from the world completely.
And I don't want to feel like that.
And then there's another one of those brick walls.
Being told you should ring back in two to three weeks to see if you can get an appointment.
I say ok. I didn't know what else to say.
But coming off the phone I realise that it's another month of desperation. Of fighting and feeling scared and I consider ringing back and begging to see him.
I consider seeing another doctor, which I don't want to do at all.
So I write a letter, to my doctor. Telling him I phoned in desperation but won't be able to even see about getting an appointment for another two or three weeks. I drop it off at the surgery. And now....I wait.

So, whilst I wait for a response I will plough through the darkness some more.
Swimming to the top to find the light and the happiness to fight this and to not let it completely take over my life.


Chilli and Lime Dressing | Recipe

After recently trying an amazing chilli and lime dressing, but not wanting to pay £5 for a bottle of it, I decided to have a go at making my own.
It was my husbands birthday last week and I wanted to make a 3 course meal.
We went for lamb shanks for the main and Eton Mess for dessert, so I wanted the starter to be simple, easy and quite light.
I opted for prawns and thought it was a great excuse to try and make this dressing. The only ingredient we had to buy was a lime as the other two we have as a regular cupboard essential.

You need:

1 lime
Olive Oil (I use Extra Virgin)
Sweet Chilli Sauce (I used Blue Dragon Sweet Chilli Dipping Sauce)

It's simple. Super simple.

Half the lime, squeeze out the juice into a bowl.
Add a shot glass (yes, that was my genious way of measuring) of sweet chilli dipping sauce and mix.
Then add 2 shot glasses of olive oil. Mix again.
Then enjoy served with prawns and lettuce, with bread, or a salad.


I'm linking this up to Honest Mum's Tasty Tuesday.

17.3.14

Why Do I Do It?

I'm having a bad afternoon.
I'm poorly, I'm tired, the school run was awful. So awful.
I'm questioning myself as a mother. Whether or not this is right for me.
If I am "up to the job". 
My anxiety has gone sky high.
I have a bazillion (yes that's a real thing, in my head anyway) other things in my mind hurting and smashing against every side 
I am breaking. Slowly into a million pieces.

And what do I do? What do I want to do?
I want to write about it?
I want to head straight onto my laptop, open up my blog, and write about it.
All of it.
And I then I hit publish.
And people read it.

But why am I doing this to myself?
Why am I writing all these crazy, attention seeking things down?
Why am I allowing myself to be judged? To be talked about?
By friends, strangers, enemies.

I write and it makes me feel a tiny bit better. Not completely. It doesn't fix anything.
But just a tiny bit better.
But would I feel better if this was private? If I hit publish and I knew I was the only one reading it?
No, what would be the point of that?
But why am I constantly opening myself up?
Saying "hey everyone, look crazy moment going on over here! wooooo!!"

I'm not stupid.
I can see it.
A roll of the eyes.
Here she goes again.
I get it. I do. I understand.

I can understand why it would be so hard to be friends with someone like me.
For me to be normal, and to be all "Wooo, Joules. Woooo boat. Wooo *other stuff I obsess over*" and then to come here and be like "Woah, she didn't say anything about feeling like that?"

There feels like no point in saying that I'm not ok when I'm asked. It's annoying if someone says "Actually no I'm not".
I know that. I used to work with someone just like that, although she did it for the attention. Really she did.
I don't want anyone to think that of me.
I'm not like that.

I say I'm ok, because it's easier.
It's easier to say I'm ok, because I don't always know what's wrong.
But also, it's easier for those who ask, who won't know the right thing to say.
Because there isn't a right thing to say.

I just want a cuddle.
I just want to be liked.
I just want to be me again.
Not this mess.

But why do I do it?
Why do I tell complete strangers, people who will never meet me?
People who like me, or don't like me?
Why am I opening up like this?
What am I doing to myself?




Magpie 'Pondlife' Cake Tins from Flamingo Gifts | Review

I've always had mixed feelings when it comes to Mothers Day. But never one to turn down a bit of attention and the chance to be spoilt I embrace it as much as I can, without pressure for my boys or husband.
I appreciate thoughtful gifts, be it a special treat just for me, or something that will benefit the home or our family life.
I was asked to chose an Mothers Day present from Flamingo Gifts, it was such a hard choice as there are so many beautiful and amazing gifts to choose from. So eventually I thought I had to be practical and chose the Magpie 'Pondlife' Cake Tins.

Although I am not a baker really, I occasionally get a baking bug and will make cakes and cupcakes I soon get bored but, these will be suitable for a certain wooden yacht we recently purchased.
The tins come in a set of three, all designed by Bristol Artist Tom Frost. The top of each cake tin features a different bird, these being a Duck, Grebe and a Heron. I love the different colour patterns and backdrops on each of the tins, and the designs running around the side of the tins also.
These are nesting tins so are easily stored when not in use. The sizes are 10.5, 8.5 and 6.5 inches.
The tins are strong and durable and are highly unlikely to lose their shape and for the lids to no longer fit the base (a problem I have faced with tins in the past). I think these will be perfect on our boat to store food away when we are sailing, but would also make a wonderful gift for and mums who love baking.

Flamingo Gifts sell a wide variety of gifts for all occasions. From cake tins, with matching plates, to mugs, wash bags, scarves and more. There are gifts for women, men and children so it's not just aimed at one market.
Prices are really affordable and I love that you can find something for everyone with the variation of products available.