2014...The Year of Family
You shouldn't have to force a family relationship. It should come natural. Even if someone annoys you a bit, there should be that passion, want and need to see them.
You should have that feeling of missing them, and a gap left where they were if they leave.
I had that with my dad. I had that moment, and I still have those moments when I long to have him in my life. But I realised it isn't him I want or need, it's the dad I deserve that I long to have. Someone who loves me, who wants me and needs me. Someone who has that passion in their heart for their daughter. The person they raised, the person they made.
This year I realised that, although he isn't that person, there are others who feel that way about me.
My husband, my sons, my mum, my brother, my mother in law, my aunties and my nanny.
When my relationship with my dad broke down so did the relationship with my nan, his mum. And although it broke my heart I kind of felt it was the right thing to happen. I suppose I've come to realise that. If she can't accept the way he treats me is unacceptable, and thinks I should have to put up with being treated like that then I guess it makes her almost as bad as him?
I've always been someone to respect aunties, uncles and grandparents, but I also believe that children, grandchildren, neices and nephews deserve that respect back and I came to the realisation that when it came to my dad's mum, that respect wasn't there and I wasn't as important to her as she was to me.
But then my nanny from Somerset came to stay for a week. She booked a cottage local to us and we spent an amazing week with her. It reminded me that despite living so far away she loves me, and respects me. We had serious conversations, we had laughs, we made jokes, we shared a glass of wine together. I spent a lot of time just looking at her. Almost because I couldn't believe she was there, but also because she brings me so much comfort. She has the kindest heart and her voice brings me goosebumps and the most wonderful feeling.
As we said goodbye to her I struggled to let go. I just wanted to hold on to her a little longer and not send her on that long journey home.
I miss her so much and seeing her reignited that passion, want and need for her to be in my life.
But that is another thing that made 2014 a year of family. We booked a holiday to Somerset in April to spend time with my nan but also to finally introduce Harry to my aunty and uncle, and for Charles to see them again.
We also spent a lot of time with my husbands dad and his partner. We had a couple of days out, the boys had their first overnight stay away from us and we really that close family unit feel. It's been lovely to watch the boys with their grandad, and grandma, and to see their relationship grow closer and to see them bonding.
So, although this year has been hard adjusting to not having my dad and my nan in my life, I have had comfort in knowing that there are people who consider me an important part of their life. Who don't want me to be a missing part.
2014 has been the year of family, but I know 2015 will be even more so.