Pages

16.1.15

"Are You Happy?"

"Are you happy?" I said, as we snuggled under a thick fluffy blanket. His eyes were closing and his body slowly got heavy, as he was drifting off to sleep.
He managed a nod, and then in the softest voice said "yes. My am happy"

It made me smile. It made me get goosebumps. And it hit my heart harder than I expected.
I wouldn't say I am happy at the moment. I'm back in a bad place mentally and as a result I'm struggling to smile. I'm struggling to see the good in things. I just constantly feel sad.

But, despite my sadness I have two small children who are happy. They don't let things bother them for hours, days, weeks or years. 
They move on quickly, they forget.
They laugh at ridiculous things. The fight over ridiculous things. They ask the silliest questions.
And they are happy. 

And it's hard to accept. 
That responsibility of keeping these boys alive, safe, warm, happy. They must be happy.
I find that a big pressure. 
How do you make others happy if you are not happy yourself?
How do you share those experiences? 
Or plan activities when you actually think it all sounds awful.
How do you force that happiness?

When Harry told me he was happy. I sat and I thought about it all.
The things I do that result in their happiness.
Those cuddles when everyone else is asleep. Those kisses when they are half asleep, but create a tiny smile at the corner of their mouth.
Buying them stickers, letting them watch tv, getting yogurts delivered on the grocery order. Those little things that are normal to me, that I don't even think about as being a big deal.


And maybe I need to stop being selfish. Maybe I need to stop thinking about my own happiness, and instead focus on these two lives that I created.
These two lives that I desperately want to be happy.