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27.1.15

Waking Up and Knowing

Being woken up by the boys at 6am this morning wasn't wonderful. I was still really tired and it felt like it was just 3am. I tried to get them to go back to sleep but something in me told me to get up and start my day.
We went downstairs, the boys had breakfast, I had coffee and wrote a blog post whilst they watched Mr Men on Channel 5 and Charles went to get ready for school.
I would usually rush up after him but instead I spent 10 minutes having a play fight with Harry. When I say play fight it was more me running away from him whilst he tried to pull my pyjama trousers down!

We eventually headed upstairs, I sent my later than usual morning message to a friend and got ready for the school run.
I'm not sure what it was, but something felt good. I had this feeling that today was going to be a good day.
I decided to keep myself away from the laptop in the morning and instead played a card game with Harry (he cheated!), we cuddled watching Netflix (or Fletnix as we renamed it) and he helped me sort through the washing and clothes for the tumble dryer.
Since his behaviour switch at Christmas I have enjoyed being with him so much. I feel a little obsessed with him, and although I have this fear of him turning into the angry child he was I also am desperate to play catch up and want to create so many fun and happy memories to paint over the not so happy ones from last year.

We eventually got him to preschool...I say eventually because we keep having so much fun that we lose track of time! And I went to Morrisons. Because that's another thing, this morning I decided that today was a good day to by myself some flowers. I just had this feeling that today I deserved a treat, not to cheer myself up, I didn't need them for that.
I think it was more to say "I'm proud of you". Because, it's ok to feel like that. And it is ok to pat yourself on the back and to say "you are awesome".
I so often tell myself how awful I am, how I am bad at everything. How I am lazy, don't put in enough effort, unaware and so on. But we all need that push, and why not give that push to ourselves? If we rely on others to notice the good things we do then we could be waiting a while! Because a lot of things go unnoticed, our everyday tasks and so on. But why not keep a mental list of everything you do well? I've learnt to do that and although I'm not in the habit of doing it I am trying.
So, I bought myself some flowers to say "Hey. You are quite brilliant (sometimes)".

I got back in the car, after paying for the flowers and accidentally buying a pack of 3 Ferrero Rocher (because I didn't eat enough of them at Christmas and am ashamed of myself for that) and just sat for a little bit. The sun was quite warm, it was bright and sunny. You'd be forgiven for thinking it was April and not January.
I turned the engine on and turned up the volume as my Sam Smith album played.
I sat there and just felt happy. And that is quite an odd emotional for me, and sometimes I struggle with feeling that. I find it quite overwhelming. But I embraced it and let it take over. And I realised I was smiling. To myself. Looking a bit bizarre to the people sat in the cafe by the window I expect.

I drove home, singing along probably louder than I should have been to my Sam Smith album (wow he hits some high notes...and wow, I clearly don't!) and I realised I was still smiling. And I was still feeling good.
And when I got home I looked at my phone and had the confirmation that something good was going to happen today. Oh, here comes the annoying vague bit of "can't mention it yet" style news. But, I not only had a feeling of acceptance and self worth, but also that feeling of pride and that realisation that although there are many cracks to this shell, inside there is someone who is strong, who has courage and is willing to put herself out there and to say "hey. I want to do this, can we make that happen?".
To open yourself up like that requires some kind of ego...in a positive way. And, there's that thing of 'if you don't ask, you won't get' or 'how will you know if you never try' or 'what's the worst that can happen?'.

Next Tuesday I have a meeting for something else which excites me and makes me nervous. But again it's that confirmation that I can do these things and that opportunities happen, you just sometimes have to chase them yourself.

My motto for 2015: