Pages

26.3.15

Walking in the Rain

I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and didn't want to be the person I saw looking back at me. I looked her in the eyes, and recognised that person who I just don't really like. The one I find annoying, the one with all of the flaws.
In the pit of my stomach I felt sick and disappointed, because I knew she would be with me all day. I would have to put up with seeing her in the mirror, or in any reflections but worst of all, I had to live as her today. I didn't want to do that. But I had no choice.

 This mornings Instagram photo. With the description:

I've never dressed so casually or slummy for the school run as I have today.
I'm stressed, feeling fat and horrid after not exercising for a few days and generally just a bit worthless.
Fun times.

I look at that photo and feel a bit disgusted really. I see chubby legs, a baggy top hiding a body I feel ashamed of. A head cut off because that added to the body is just too much for anyone to see. It's horrid.

I got in the car, took Charles to school and as we pulled up and I turned the engine off I just burst into tears. I had no idea they were coming so was a bit surprised and didn't really know what to say to Charles when he asked me what was wrong.
I managed to pull myself together to walk him to the school door without crying anymore. However, I was pretty aware that I felt oddly annoyed at everyone around, despite them not actually doing anything wrong (apart from the boy who decided to purposefully get in the way when I tried to open the gate).
I got back to the car, started the engine and turned up Ed Sheeran. Song of choice, Shirtsleeves, because at that point I suppose it best described how I was feeling. Some more tears came and then I cleared my eyes enough to see my way to drive home.


I got in, made a coffee, sat on the sofa feeling angry at myself because of the tasks I've set myself that I should have done a week or so ago before we go on holiday on Good Friday. There are some gifts I need to order and I'm afraid I've left it too late and am now beating myself up about it.
I had a look at Instagram, to read the comments left on my photo and I felt a mixture of emotions. I felt embarrassed that I'd done that whole "woe-is-me" thing and could have been seen as attention seeking and all "tell me I look great" thing. It wasn't that at all. It was a way to vent. But I also felt quite lucky at the kindness of people, even if I don't believe the things they say.
And then it was almost like I'd slapped myself across the face. 


How dare I sit there and feel that way. I remembered how I felt last year, when I was almost 4 stone heavier, and that moment that I went on my first power walk. The one that started off my healthier lifestyle. 
That power walk was done in the rain. It was muddy and not at all pleasant. And the weather today was worse but that inner me, the one who kicked my butt last year and made me go out, returned and I sent an SOS text to my mum and within an hour she was round, I was dressed in a pair of leggings with my running trousers over the top, a vest top, a long sleeved tshirt, a sweatshirt and my raincoat...and then my wellibobs because my running shoes would never have survived the mud I was about to face, and I was ready to go.
I even braved a cocky faced photo. That smile is a bit fake and I can see in my eyes that I'm not really into it, however, it was a reminder for the next time I feel like this that I can do it.
So looking like a hot bit of stuff (joking), with my headphones and Spotify playlist of Ed Sheeran, Sia and Sam Smith I went. 
It was quite eerie with no one else around. The weather wasn't great but I didn't really care. I was able to think and to walk out my frustration and anger. 
It wasn't until a mile into my walk that my anxiety set in and I had that feeling of being followed. Thankfully though, due to my "mad-at-the-world" attitude I just carried on walking, upping my pace a bit, thinking that if someone was really there to kill me that there was nothing I could do about it anyway.


I didn't really know which route to take. I didn't do the usual walk I did last year and I really wanted to push myself. So I walked as far as I could until there was a orange fence-thing stopping people from walking any further and then I turned back on myself and walked back the way I came.
It rained the whole time, but I could feel my body working hard to keep me going and that felt good. 
I was able to think all the things I needed to think about. 
I played out conversations in my mind, and everything I needed to organise I suppose. I can't say it helped, sometimes these things just make everything worse. However, being able to walk a little faster to make my leg muscles ache a little bit more helped. The pain in my legs helped distract me from my head.


An hour later, and 5 miles walked, I stepped into my house asking my mum if my legs were still attached because I couldn't feel them!
A cold shower....for as long as I could handle (fun times!) followed by a hair wash, coffee and healthy lunch of avocado, tuna, tomatoes and cucumber made me feel a little more human, although I was still mad at the world.
The good that came out of it was reigniting that passion for those walks. Knowing how far I can walk in a short amount of time, and how I can feel a little better about myself and my body after doing that.

I still don't like the me I am today, and hope that tomorrow I wake up as that Lauren that I like. The one who doesn't have to force a smile. The one who feels confident and not overwhelmed at the school run, and like she is drowning due to everyone surrounding her.
The Lauren who feels like she has self worth and is liked by people, and more importantly is liked by herself.