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1.4.15

Rejection and Reality Checks

With one person saying "Don't be so hard on yourself all the time!" and then a conversation with my doctor today, where I put myself down he asked me "Why are you always so hard on yourself?" I realised that maybe I am worse than I thought.
Yesterday, I said I am hard on myself because it's what I am used to.
It's because I want to protect myself from other people being negative towards me.
I feel like, in a way, I am warning people of what I am like. Even if maybe I'm not like that.
I warn people that I am annoying, I make a point of pointing out my flaws and how I am chubby, ugly, how I can be grumpy and all the other negative things I say.

I can't re-train myself. I can't snap out of that because it's part of who I am now. I am this person who doesn't really think much about herself but simply because there isn't many other people who do think that highly about me. And that might be a common thing, but when I look at my life so far so many people have let me down, or maybe I let them down which is why they treated me so awfully,
Oh, sounding like a brat again. I don't want to be popular. I don't want people to tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm not annoying.
But maybe that's because I won't believe them.
I can't believe that people would like me.

I suppose rejection plays a big part in it. I've faced rejection from so many people, including my own father, and I can't help but to be affected by that. And I can't help but to continue to be affected by it.
 I can't help but to expect everyone to reject me. I can't help but to take it really personally if someone thinks I'm not good enough, or has other reasons for not wanting me or having me in their life.
I get overwhelmed at people taking any kind of interest in me, and almost 2 years since first meeting her I can only now accept that Hayley might actually like me.

It us hard to hear people telling me not to be mean to myself. It's embarrassing slightly, but also it does make me get a tiny bit defensive. Because the bully in me, the one who beats me down and tells people the bad things, is just trying to protect me really.

I don't like being this way. It might seem like a choice, but it's not. I wouldn't choose to think these horrible things about myself. But I can't help it.
And if it wasn't bad enough that I do it to myself, the fact that so many other people are noticing me do it makes it even worse.