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11.4.15

Twelve Wishes...



1. I wish I was attractive to others.

Not in looks, but inside. I wish I was an attractive enough person that people would want to talk to me, would want to have me in their life and would see the positives in me.

2. I wish I wasn't so forgettable.

And easy for people to discard from their lives. I want to be memorable, and missed, and to leave a hole or a missing piece in someones life, rather than to bring a sigh of relief as they easily leave me behind.

3. I wish I was taken seriously.

I do like to have a joke, and I get on better with people if I can have a banter with them. But, people forget to take me seriously. After recently having someone say "I bet you are quite a meanie" whilst having a jokey insult with my best friend I wondered if I am going about life wrong. Is it wrong that I can insult my best friend, and she can insult me, even though we both know it is in jest and would never take it personally?

4. I wish I didn't have to question my actions.

As above. I wish I didn't have to question how I acted with my friend, and whether or not our friendship is acceptable. I question whether or not I should talk to certain people, whether I can have a joke, or what kind of conversations I can have with people.


5. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself.

I wish I wasn't my biggest bully. I'm so used to being hard on myself that I don't know when I am doing it. In my eyes, I am just being realistic, or stating the obvious. I'm not skirting about an issue as others might do and would much rather say "hey! I know I am annoying/stupid/unreasonable/full on" than to have them come up with other excuses.


6. I wish that people didn't make me feel like I have to bully myself.

I am so hard on myself for protection. I want to protect myself from what others think of me, or for what they see me as. If I say all these things to myself, and make myself feel so awful, then maybe it makes it better when I see others looking at me a certain way. Or for when people let me down. I think people need to be more honest, with each other, and to say what they really think rather than to choose their words which can then be misread or misunderstood.

7. I wish I wasn't such an easy person for people to use.

That's how I feel. A lot of the time. Used. Someone people can pick up when they are bored, when they have no one else to talk to, no one else for company, and as soon as something or someone new comes along I wish I wasn't so easily discarded.

8. I wish I was seen as more than a housewife and mum.

I fully understand that these are my main roles in life. I would never deny that. However, it feels as though I am losing Lauren. People don't know how to have a conversation with me, they think I'll have very little to talk about because I don't go out to work or whatever.

9. I wish I didn't feel guilty about slowly gaining a social life. 

I have evenings with friends planned, a weekend away, and 4 nights/5 days away with my brother, another weekend in London, and various coffee dates and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for trying to 'get Lauren back' and to start to feel like I am a real person and not just this robot who follows the same day to day routine thinking the same things over and over again.
I was never into having a social life. It was never important to me or a priority, but now it seems essential and I feel guilty for that. 

10. I wish people didn't see me as being materialistic

I like nice things, of course I do, show me someone who doesn't. But that's not what I am all about.
I suppose I have expensive tastes in some ways. Yes I am a big fan of Joules, however it doesn't mean that I am a fan of their price tags and in fact I have a rule to not spend over £30 on a single product from there and to only buy in the sale. And more importantly I would happily pair a Joules dress with a Primark cardigan.
People seem to think I am easily bought. Buy me a dress and I am kept happy, buy me a bottle of Prosecco and I am kept happy. I am a grateful person, I really am. But as much as I love "stuff" I don't think it is what life is all about.
Take all that away and what you are left with are the most important things of all. Experience, memories, conversations, and LIFE.
If someone said to me I could stay at home with my camera and all my lovely stuff or go on the trip of a lifetime, with minimal packing and no camera I would take the latter.

11. I wish I had willpower

To do lots of things. To start things, to stick at things, to finish things. If I had willpower I would be a stronger person, and I'm pretty sure this would then equal some people seeing me differently. And not seeing me as a weak little girl who can be used whenever they are bored.

12. I wish I could just be happy

I started to see a glimmer of me recently. I started to feel myself, and like I had a little escape from my routine. I felt attractive, like I meant something, and that people saw her...they saw Lauren and, they liked her. They felt I was good enough to spend their time on, good enough to get to know, to have a joke with, to have that jokey teasing remark sent backwards and forwards. I smiled. I smiled a lot and it felt good. That feeling of happiness was somewhat overwhelming but I went with it and I liked it. It felt like the happiness was helping me to become more of that Lauren, the one who is shyly hiding away waiting for the right time to come out...feeding her the confidence to grow and to show herself.
But soon enough, it went and those people changed their minds about me. And I was back to that doubtful, bully. The one who felt used. And I'm back at the beginning again, not knowing who I should be, doubting myself, my actions, and not feeling good enough.

Maybe I will just always be that lost one, who fades into the background, forgotten, easy to walk away from and not good enough for anyone's memories.