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25.6.15

It's Thursday, Stop Crying!

Oh, thanks so much for that intro Ed. You can always count on Ed Sheeran to get things started on a good foot hey? That man seriously has a way with words.

So it's Thursday today and it's almost 11 o clock as I start writing this, and I've already cried twice. Why? Because of the weekend. I know what you're thinking "Broken Record" well....let me just put you straight. I'm a "record breaking broken record" (51 mummies at Britmums Live FYI, thanks Guiness World Records!)
Anyway, it's all still a little overwhelming. The whole experience, putting myself out there and also I think the new found confidence just totally took over.
I didn't expect to feel so at home. I walked in and saw Jen and Susanna and in my head I wondered what on earth I was doing. I felt like a fraud to be honest.
What was I thinking when I sent an email telling them I was confident that I could do this job and that I would be good at it.
But as soon as they said hi, and I realised I didn't need to introduce myself and have that awkward "erm, I was the one who emailed you. You know, the room moderator. We had a conference call. We've been emailing. LAUREN. I'M LAUREN" conversation I felt so ready to just do it and to get on with it.

I don't want to blah blah blah on about things I've already written about (here FYI) but when asked on Twitter by Britmums...well they asked everyone, not me specifically, to describe in one word how I felt at this years conference my chosen word was "accepted".
I think it's an odd one to explain, and I want to choose my words carefully so as to not sound like I have this massive ego. But I think it's easy to feel swallowed up in the blog community sometimes. We are all little fish in a massive pond but it doesn't mean we go unnoticed.
The last two years, I suppose last year in particular, I felt like I was going wrong somewhere. No one seemed to recognise me or wanted to talk to me but this year, it felt so different.
People read my name badge and knew my name and knew my blog and had the sweetest things to say. And for someone who overdoes the compliments on a daily basis I found myself unable to cope with what people were saying.
The bully in me was telling me to ignore them but I was able to override that, which was overwhelming and a big deal for me when I generally tend to let the bully win, and I was letting the nice words sink in and trying to let them find somewhere nice to snuggle and to remain until the end of the event.

I expected to wake up on Sunday and for it to be like any normal day. The odd chat about Britmums Live here and there but it was completely different. All day my thoughts were on the two days just gone. It all felt pretty surreal. I kept reading the most lovely things on Twitter and on blog comments and was a little shocked at how nice people were being. At how much people thought I did a good job. I cried pretty much all day. Yes, I am emotionally unstable. And thought that by Monday all would be ok.
But no...well...yes it was all ok...but it hadn't stopped.
People were still being nice, and they were on Tuesday, and Wednesday and even today. And I kind of can't cope with it.
There are people who I have admired for SO long who knew who I was without me having to introduce myself. There were people who I have admired for so long who wanted to meet me, and talked to me at the event and have kept the conversations going on Twitter and Instagram since.
And that bully pops into my head and says "They're joking. They hate you really. They just feel sorry for you".
But I override that, and instead....oh goodness...lets make the tear count for today three now should we? *pull it together Lauren* I think that what if...what if I am actually likeable? What if these people actually DO like me, and did enjoy my company, and did/do think I am good enough to do that job but to also be good enough to talk to them.
What if those people actually want to be my friend?
What if the people I chose to hang around with actually had fun with me and enjoyed my company too?
What if I am as good as those who I admire and look up to? And what if....what if to other people I am that person too?

I hate myself so much for doubting others, and for doubting myself.
And I'm trying to hard to not do that.
I did that really egotistical thing of screen grabbing lovely tweets and emails just so I can read them and believe them.

This year was big for me too because I didn't have my close friends to lean on for support. I went as me, as an individual, and I was responsible for myself and for socialising and having fun.
And I did it.
I actually did it.
I did a really good job at that.

And maybe these tears aren't all that bad.
But for goodness sake, it's Thursday...when will they stop?