Pages

30.6.15

Mother Teresa's Thighs

I'm walking around Alton Towers, the weather is nice in fact it's hot, but not unbearably hot. There is a slight cool breeze every now and then but not too often that it requires a cardigan.
I am wearing shorts.
That's ok. There are people there wearing all sorts. There are shorter shorts than mine, to the point where I wonder if they lose the name 'shorts' and simply just become 'knickers'. When did it become socially acceptable to walk around with your bum cheeks hanging out? Especially young girls. Maybe I am getting old? I don't know.
Anyway.
I am wearing shorts. They are an acceptable length. I've shaved my legs so I'm socially acceptable. But every now and then I feel like I've made a wrong choice. I feel a slight wobble, in the thigh, and I get all hot and bothered. I feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering how on earth I had the confidence to wear shorts. And why on earth no one close to me had told me that I can not get away with wearing them.
We had the opportunity to have our photo taken with the squirrel thing from Ice Age, I said no. For 2 reasons.
1. I am scared of people in costumes. And having watched this one poke and joke around with people stood next to him/her I wasn't up for it.
2. I worried about my thighs. What if they ruined the photo?
However later on whilst looking for a toilet, Harry and I spotted Upsy Daisy at a photo call and I couldn't resist. I picked Harry up, handed my camera to the lady looking after the character, and stood next to Upsy Daisy. Yeah, I was scared. I think the fear shows in my face, and in my body language, but I didn't even think about my thighs until I looked through the photos later and thought that cropping the photo would be the best option. Also, I fear those sandals really made my ankles look non-existent.


If I felt this paranoid about wearing shorts, then how on earth would I cope the following day wearing a swimming costume?!
We were sent to Alton Towers by Konfidence to test out the products we were sent for being one of their Swimologist families. So as much as this was a fun trip, I also had to look at it as a "business trip" too. We had a job to do. We had to test the swimjacket, the dive sticks and the float and the only way we could do this was to swim. And I couldn't exactly send Harry in by himself could I?
So Sunday morning, after breakfast we got back to the room and I put on my swimming costume. Recent comfort eating meant I didn't feel as confident as I did when I first tried it on, and I was really aware of my thighs and bottom.

When swimming I usually wear shorts and a tankini. Tankinis don't really make me feel that covered up as they constantly rise up and shorts, well, shorts cover the worst bits. But I thought I'd try a swimming costume to see if it made me relax a bit more.
I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, at the body I feel is a bit all over the place and not in proportion, and felt a little disappointed. This was a beautiful swimsuit that I felt nice in when I tried it on at home, confident enough even to show my mum. And I'd let myself down.
It gave me the wake up call to start exercising again and to start eating better again.
However, that didn't fix things right now. And I knew I had to suck it up (and suck it in!) and get on with it.

I didn't get a photo of me in the swimsuit. I know there is the hashtag #proudinmybikini and I felt sad that I didn't feel proud of my body or able to join in. But maybe that will be my end goal?

I got as far as this, which I put on Instagram, not for the attention but more to share how disheartened I felt with myself.

Oh god. Swimming today. Wish I could keep my shorts on.



I kept my shorts on for as long as I could, until it was time to get into the pool. 
I looked around and there were women of all shapes and sizes. And I expect that the majority of them felt the same as me. They felt paranoid, they felt like they didn't have the body for a swimsuit.
There were women in bikinis, with a mummy tummy, walking around confidently. Even if it was fake confidence, they still "owned it" and I almost wanted to go over and high five them.
I reminded myself of one of my favourite quotes.

That's true right? And although I am not Mother Teresa, I did/do have shit to do, and I do on a daily basis. I have to be a mum, I have to be a housewife, I have to do the school run, I have to run a blog, do the shopping, go to the doctors, all the normal things people do. 
And my thighs, really, don't matter when I consider everything else in life that is important. 

So I wore that swimsuit and do you know what? After a while, I didn't think about my thighs. I walked around, confidently, making sure that my children had a wonderful time. And they did.
As did I.

My swimming costume was provided by Swimshop, a leading swimming costume retailer in the UK.