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25.9.15

A Cuddle

It's all a bit odd at the moment. Life is.
I know I've made the right decision for me, for him, for our families and for the children.
I suppose in terms of my social life not a lot has changed yet really, other than being able to go out and not feel like I have to ask permission or to feel guilty at not being at home with my husband when instead I'm out with friends. 

I've had enough distractions I suppose to keep me away from what is going on and to keep my mind balanced I suppose.
When things have been a certain way for so long it isn't really a shock to be going through what we are and will be going through. 
It wasn't sudden or unexpected. We're basically able to live as we have been because for a while we haven't lived as a married couple should. 

I lived with it because it felt kind of like I had to. Did I really want a "failed marriage"? But, could I live my life any more with the way things were? Pretending it was OK that we didn't hug or cuddle or even hold hands anymore.
I was OK with it for a while, because I got used to it I suppose. It gradually got to that point so I didn't miss those things as such.

However in the last few months it didn't seem fair on either of us to live like this anymore. I couldn't help but to think that, whilst at the end of my 20's at the time, I was too young to almost throw my life away and to not have affection or attention until the day I die.

I've always enjoyed a harmless flirt. I don't see anything wrong with innocent flirting whatsoever, it's part of my nature I suppose. But then I came to the realisation that maybe one day a harmless flirt could turn into someone being interested in me. Someone wanting to give me those things that had been missing from my marriage. I'm not talking about commitment, more the affection and just being made to feel....nice. To feel pretty, and appreciated. 

It had me wondering what I then wanted. Was my marriage perfect in every other way that I could live without that other stuff?
And, it wasn't. We had grown apart, we had different interests, priorities, and had lost that connection and spark that had kept us together for over 10 years.
It felt unfair for both of us to keep living like that. Not only were we being unfair on each other, but on ourselves too.

I couldn't help but to think that it was unfair of me to deny any attention from someone else if I got it, because I felt I kind of deserve that. Everyone deserves attention, and although I didn't feel like I needed it or missed it, I did find myself recently whether or not it was something I could live without "forever".

I'm an affectionate girl. I like a cuddle, I like a hug, I like an arm round my shoulder or my waist. And the more I thought about that, and thought about what I would be missing out on, the more I realised that life just wasn't right for us at all.

And so the decision was made. A weight was lifted for us both I think, for me at least.
And I did almost have this feeling of freedom. Knowing that innocent flirts were ok IF they were to become anything more. 

However, since making that decision it's almost like I am craving a cuddle.
Just a cuddle.
Not a hug.
But a cuddle. One where strong arms almost kind of sweep you up and pull you in close.
You know the ones, which make you feel so small and protected. The ones that make you feel comforted, where your head rests on their chest and every now and then they pull you in a little tighter, like a small, gentle, squeeze, letting you know that they are enjoying being close to you too. 

That's all I crave and want now.
An affectionate cuddle.
And just a little bit of attention, and appreciation.